Sun Apr 20 22:56:50 SAST 2014
Sun Apr 20 22:56:50 SAST 2014

Should I wait until he is ready to commit to me?

Feb 8, 2013 | Dear Dudu |   116 comments

MY BOYFRIEND and I have been together for a year and a half. I am 28 years old and he is 36.

Picture taken from www.seaandbescene.com

He was married for 14 years and he has two children, 14 and 16. He divorced his wife three years ago and the children live with her.

He apparently loved her very much and she cheated on him. They tried to make the marriage work, but she chose her lover over him.

I am his first relationship since his divorce.

When we met he told me that his children come first in his life. He has been honest with me from the start.

He said it would be very difficult for him to fall in love again because his ex-wife hurt him so much.

He also told me that he would only be able to focus on our relationship when his children were older.

He said he cared for me, but was not in love with me.

I had a feeling that he might still be in love with his ex-wife.I asked him once about this and he got angry with me. He said that she had devastated his life and he hated her.

His boys stay with him every second weekend and I have not met them yet.

When they are with him I do not see him.

I see him during the week, so all in all I don't see him often.

I know he would help me with any problem if I asked him. We enjoy each other's company, but I find it very difficult.

I want to spend more time with him and I want to meet his children.

Am I asking too much? It hurt me when he said he was not in love with me.

I often tell him that I love him and it is sad that he cannot say it back to me.

How much longer Kempton Park

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Dudu responds

Your boyfriend has been honest with you from the start.

It is also admirable that he is devoted to his children, who might have suffered because of the divorce.

It is obvious that he was devastated by the divorce and it is taking time for him to recover, even if he no longer loves his wife.

The fact that he is involved in his children's lives does not mean he is still in love with his ex-wife.

All it means is that he loves his children and they come first in his life.

The question you need to ask yourself is whether you are prepared to put your life on hold and wait for him? If you are, the next question is, how long are you prepared to wait?

He has given you no time frame of, say, one, two or 10 years. I do not think that he is being very fair to you.

If he is afraid of getting into a relationship, why did he start one with you?

If he really cares for you he would never expect you to put your life on hold on the off chance that in a few years' time he might be ready to commit to you.

To move forward he would probably need counselling, otherwise he faces the possibility of never recovering from the mistakes of the past.

If he is comfortable to continue living with his present mind-set I don't see how you can build a future with him. Will he ever let you meet his children?

When will the time be right? It is very hurtful that he cannot tell you he loves you or that he might ever love you.

I understand that you are in love with him, but you are young and should not put your life on hold for anyone.

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