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TOUGH: Bonang Matheba hit back.

STILL TRYING TO DEAL WITH IT: Rihanna. Picture taken from www.divawhispers.com

 Even the rich and famous caught in trap 

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WOMEN'S Month is the time of the year when the bravery of the women who marched to the Union Buildings in 1956 is celebrated.

The country acknowledges the work done by those stalwarts that paved the way for women in 2012 to enjoy the rights they were once denied.

With this in mind, one wonders why some of today's young women who have taken great steps to empower themselves are still stuck in abusive relationships.

There is an assumption that victims of domestic violence are women who are unemployed or financially dependent on their spouse or partner.

This assumption is incorrect when you look at cases of famous young, gifted and independent women who have joined the ranks of the abused.

This goes to show that abuse against women is not limited to class, race, colour or creed.

International singing sensation Rihanna and local TV personality Bonang Matheba are two examples of the trend.

These women are undoubtedly at the top of their game, yet both have been victims of abusive relationships.

Popular SABC1 Live presenter Matheba was in the public eye a few weeks ago when Sunday World broke the story of her ex-boyfriend, DJ Euphonik (real name Themba Nkosi), who allegedly beat her black and blue following an argument.

Matheba laid charges and she alleged, in her statement in the resulting court case, that it was not the first time Nkosi had beaten her up.

"On that day (of the incident now before the court), he hit me on the body and slapped me in the face. On another occasion he slapped me across the face following an argument.

"He later apologised and we put the incident behind us. He assaulted me again in the same year. This time he punched me in the face while we were driving from his place to mine," Matheba stated in an affidavit read out in court.

In 2009, the world was stunned by the news that singer Chris Brown had beaten up his superstar girlfriend Rihanna, a day before the Grammy Awards.

The photograph that was leaked to the press days later, showed a swollen and bruised Rihanna.

The one thing that is common to these stories is that these celebrities are young, successful, beautiful and well-off women who are able to stand on their own two feet without having to rely on financial assistance from their partners.

This dispels the myth that abusers target women who rely on them for financial assistance.

Why then do these successful women stay in these unhealthy relationships?

Nomsa Papale from Lifeline says there are many contributing factors as to why women stay in abusive relationships.

"They feel that they love this person and often it stems from a fear that if they leave then their partner will kill or hurt them," she said.

"Other reasons include hoping that person will change, or believing that they will be able to change the abusers themselves.

"Some of these women, despite them being successful and independent, don't have confidence and they feel worthless."

Says clinical and forensic psychologist Ketso Moorosi: "Women go into relationships for different reasons and those same reasons could be the ones keeping them in abusive relationships."

She adds that many women who are successful and have flourishing careers feel the need to be in relationships in order to achieve a certain social standing.

"They think that because they have achieved a certain level of success they should also have a man, and if they don't, they think something is wrong with their womanhood," Moorosi said.

Moorosi says she tells her patients that abusive behaviour often happens long before the actual abuse begins.

She says controlling and stalking behaviour are the biggest red flags.

In the case of famous women like Matheba and Rihanna, the risk of denting their brands or public image is high, which could add to the reasons why they initially remain silent about the abuse.

Matheba's mother allegedly advised her to obtain a protection order against Nkosi, but Matheba initially decided not to.

"My attorney and I decided against it as we thought it would draw unnecessary and negative media coverage," Sunday World quoted Matheba during a court appearance.

The encouraging part is that Matheba and Rihanna have followed through with court cases, despite intense media scrutiny. This could encourage women who find themselves in the same situation to find their strength.

Papale says the myth that "if he hits me then it means he loves me" should be challenged.

Moorosi concurred, saying a woman cannot say she is loved if she is in an abusive relationship.

Cornelius Monama, of the Department of Women, Children and People with Disabilities, say" "We urge women not to suffer in silence in abusive relationships, and those who witness abuses of women and children not to look away. We encourage silent female victims to talk about abuse and ensure that they get help." - nkosin@sowetan.co.za

Comments

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Tue May 21 15:29:35 SAST 2013 ::

Aug 14, 2012

tpaz

ekasi stories: Woman's worth : reminded me of Bonang being beaten.
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Aug 14, 2012

Galfrend

Why do these successful women stay in abusive relationships:

- Amehlo abantu, what are people going to say
- Loving the person whole heartedly
- thinking the abuser is going to change
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Aug 14, 2012

beautiful4

real men dont abuse women!! but nowdays we dont have that kind of a men in our society!! its very sad indeed
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Aug 14, 2012

Cl!ck

If you both had more flesh on your bodies.. You wouldn't be such a push-over.. Mxm

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Aug 14, 2012

Papage

I so wish we can all start respecting each other, stop this abuse either way, there are men who are ill treaded by their wives too, they are scared to tell the world, some of them "ba loilwe" everything the wife says, is " Yes My Wife" they make them clean the house, cook, wash children, some of the children are not his, he does not know. it is just sad.
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Aug 14, 2012

Chichi7

Tlking about it does not help at all. Most police stations send the women right back home to the man that has beaten them up.
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Aug 14, 2012

MommaC

I disagree.

Women don't need to talk, they need to DO. We have enough 'talking' from our politicians.

Mothers need to teach their boy children that you don't raise your hand to a woman and their girl children that you don't put up with abuse in any form. The hand that rocks the cradle, rocks the world. It is up to us, as mothers, to rock the world in a different direction
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Aug 14, 2012

Mdav

Abanye abasingle nama divorsees bafuna ukushada 2 pay e revenge! ukube ikhona enye ndlela ngabe siyayekela nje ukuthandana, manje bantu aku khoneki. Noma sesi fake amajoyini, sishumayela, sivule namabhaybheli, siyakhohlisana sithi siyathandana. Siyaganga nje sisaba ukuthi sitshelane ngokuthontshelana kwethu.
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Aug 14, 2012

Mellow

@Chichi7 Morning dear so true bout police not offering any help they always dismiss this type of cases however I have noticed that some of these women are to be blamed for that as well cause they always bail out this monsters and forgive them over and over again

One cant stay in an abusive relationship out of love theres no such thing, its sad cause they are so desperate to be in relationships its crazy really mina I rather be alone than in abusive emotional draining relationship
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Aug 14, 2012

LeparaThePresident

@Galfrend
Why do these successful women stay in abusive relationships:

- Amehlo abantu, what are people going to say
- Loving the person whole heartedly
- thinking the abuser is going to change
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Clearly truthfull gal, it shows gore no can ever give you an advice on love matters. Even Papale says nothing sort of advice other than stressing her statistical survey.So, next time women, if man abuses you , mostly physicaly, emotionally, and financially, walk through that door and keep walking never looks back.
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