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MY HUSBAND and I have been married for six months.

His first wife died in a car accident many years ago and I divorced my first husband five years ago.

I don't have children and my husband has an 11-year-old girl who lives with us.

I love my husband dearly. He is an amazing person who has brought joy into my life.

The problem I have is with his daughter. I understand how difficult life has been for her. Her mother died when she was very young.

They moved into my home because it is a little bigger than their old home. As a surprise I prepared a beautiful room for her in the hope that she would feel at home. She didn't even thank me, but that is the least of my problems. She has been extremely difficult and I don't know what to do.

When her father is home she treats me with respect, but if he is not there she is cheeky and a really horrible little girl.

One of her favourite things to say to me is: "You are not my mother."

I haven't spoken to my husband about this because it will sound as if I am not trying and being unreasonable.

I have tried everything and I don't know if I can take much more of this.

.

Frustrated, Gallo Manor

DEAR DUDU RESPONDS

Being a stepparent is one of the hardest jobs in the world.

The first person you need to turn to is your husband. Together, you should form a united front in parenting his daughter.

It is not about whether anybody thinks you are trying or not. It is all about bringing up his child to be a well-mannered, decent, happy person in a loving, peaceful home.

Speak honestly with your husband and explain what has been happening. Assure him that you want to play a positive role in his daughter's upbringing, but that the two of you have to work together.

Both of you need to explain what your expectations are and how you will go about achieving these goals.

You might have thought that once you were married everything would just fall into place and you would be a happy little family. This is unrealistic.

The child is probably feeling insecure and doesn't know what her place is in the new family. She might feel threatened and expect you to come between her and her father.

Building a relationship might take years. Just focus on respecting each other and slowly building the relationship.

You and your husband must reassure her that you have no intention of taking her mother's place, but that you would like to have a good relationship with her.

She should also spend time alone with her father so that she becomes confident in her relationship with him .

Be patient. Perhaps the three of you should go for counselling to the Family Life Centre.

Call them on 011-833-2057.

Comments

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Wed May 22 05:25:37 SAST 2013 ::

Jul 13, 2012

cocolucho

Ungrateful little brat.
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Jul 13, 2012

cocolucho

What do you say that to the child when she says that you're not her mother?
The same happened with my mom and half sister. The child may just want a lot of your attention.
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Jul 13, 2012

SeshegoGuY

Frustrated, Gallo Manor
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You can be my "Mama" Anytime ***wink***
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Jul 13, 2012

DJWinner

I hope @Gelfrend's son will not make my life miserable. Bana bona banamatata wayitsi....
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Jul 13, 2012

lindsay

so you never cared to have any type of relationship with the girl prior to marrying her father you are only trying now shame. well at least you have experiance in divorces so you won't doing it again.
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Jul 13, 2012

Buc4life

Hello All
cocolucho
Ungrateful little brat.
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I dont think that we should judge a child. Her mother died when she was very young. She got close to her dad, and she probably thinks that the stepmom will take her dad away too. She is insecure and I think both her dad and stepmom must help her by communicationg with her. Her dad needs to reassure her that he and stepmom loves her and that stepmom wont take him away from her.

Children get attached to both parents. If one of them is removed, they feel insecure and would want to protect the remaining parent. Parents must be cautious in dealing with their feelings.


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Jul 13, 2012

coolseven

The least you can do is talk to your hubby about this and come up with a plan on how can you make his daughter happy, Im sure you both adults you cant stress ka ngwana wa 11 years for such a long time.
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Jul 13, 2012

MommaC

Well, you are NOT her mother. No matter what you do or say you will never be her mother. Stop trying to replace her mother and be an older aunt instead and the kid won't feel like you are trying to spit on her mother's memory.
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Jul 13, 2012

Buc4life

cocolucho
What do you say that to the child when she says that you're not her mother?
The same happened with my mom and half sister. The child may just want a lot of your attention.
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U keep quiet, then when the situation is right, u sit her down and tell her that u know u are not her mother, but u can play a mother`s role the same way her mother did. Children understand if you understand that they are just children.
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Jul 13, 2012

SeshegoGuY

@Buc4Life
I dont think that we should judge a child. Her mother died when she was very young. She got close to her dad, and she probably thinks that the stepmom will take her dad away too. She is insecure and I think both her dad and stepmom must help her by communicationg with her. Her dad needs to reassure her that he and stepmom loves her and that stepmom wont take him away from her.

Children get attached to both parents. If one of them is removed, they feel insecure and would want to protect the remaining parent. Parents must be cautious in dealing with their feelings
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**SeshegoGuY Likes your comment**
Absolutely Spot on! How r u this morning??
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