I think both she and the sister are very clingy individuals. Whatever happened to meeting a man, getting to know each other and seeing where the relationship goes from there. It seems they both dig in their claws on the first man they meet. Very controlling individuals the whole lot of them.
You guys must continue seing each other,just call her often.And as for you to be suspicious i doubt there is something wrong with the guy. Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
MommaC
Never trust anyone who tries to separate you from your family or friends. It is the first sign of an abuser.
just let her be, i think you are over protective Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
Noir19
I think you need to accept and understanad that people are different, so dont expect the new boyfriend to be the replacement of the ex, he is his own person and he does things his way, jst accept and move on with issues of ur family Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
candilious
MommaC
Never trust anyone who tries to separate you from your family or friends. It is the first sign of an abuser.
**********************************
I agree 100% girl. My advice wuld be chat to your sister daily tell her everything about this guy,so by the time you really meet it will feel as if you know him already.
As for your suspicion feel it we hav alot of nut cases around the world.You know nothing about him..............And remember ur sister at her most vonerable state she needs you both Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
JazzMandaba
I think the problem here is that the sister and the rest of the family were used to the late boyfriend and now they are in the hurry to compare the new one to the old one.I can tell after they have met him,they will be the first ones to say he is not right for you.I have seen families like these ones before.First thing that they should remmember is that people are different in this world and maybe this new boyfiend is gonna be even more wonderful than the first one.As they normaly say Maybe it was a blessing in disguise.Just give him time, please I am begging you. Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
itsme4sure
and why are you so focused on your sister's men all the time instead of your own husband......who knows, maybe the brother does not wana meet the family cos it’s your very husband who is consoling her...and how do you know he is not right for her, if you have not met him yet.....spend ur time and energy on more productive things, than worrying who is doing your sister. Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
tumzangwana
dear sad sister
just let your sister to live her life, she is old enough to know whats right for her and whats not. dont even think of telling your sister about your suspicions about the guy because it seems like your sister is weak and she might tell the boyfriend what you said and it can get ugly, further isolating your sister from her family. you my dear you will end up the fool who tried to break them up and you might lose your sister. if she does get abused i believed she will tell you as it seem like you are very close. Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
sabza007
My sister does not speak to me till today, because I had constantly warn her about the types of friends she had and the boyfriends she dated.I was not trying to intrude into her private life , but I was guiding her as to be aware of the beasts in sheep skin. Today she has three fatherless kids, because of her stubbornness . Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
CYBORICO
@Mommac
I also believe it hard for a man to commit with someone who seem to be clutching to much on her family, we commit to nstart our own family so if your partner values her mothers family more than her own(the one u want to start with her) then we have a problem, hence why man take forever before they commit, women usually fail the early commitment tests that their male partners subject them to. it is the main reason why men will suddenly leave without a real reason, the reasons for not commiting are usually given out by your partner without knowing.
Seeeing the family will create the impression that this guy is ready to commit, whereas the guy still wants to know more, i know girls never study us man they just go in blindfolded, but its a different story with most man Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
JajazQueen
@sabza007
Today she has three fatherless kids, because of her stubbornness .
__________________________
No one is fatherless...just the fathers are not part of their lives.
MommaC
Never trust anyone who tries to separate you from your family or friends. It is the first sign of an abuser.
**********************************
I agree 100% girl. My advice wuld be chat to your sister daily tell her everything about this guy,so by the time you really meet it will feel as if you know him already.
u guys will let all the good hubies go away if u just going to take this statement as is, I believe u will need to dertemine why he is keeping you away or limiting the time u spend with your family, some man belive that their spouses are supposed to b their best friends, and will only commit if the women shows those qualities of trusting and wanting to be trusted, but if u go gossip about me with family it means family is your friend and I am the outsider, thats why men just dissapear, he is not getting what he expected. Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
MommaC
CYBORICO
My husband met most of my family at our wedding reception :)
The sister doesn't give much detail so I'm not able to make any call on this but I do know that men (and women) who separate their lover from their family and friends are abusive. They need to separate them from their 'security' system in order to control them, Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
Blackstone.lebs
She said he was shy and wanted to first see where the relationship went before meeting us.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
It's a reasonable explanation. Only 6months and you already writing letters to Sowetan. You sound like a pest, the type that wants to first approve it's siblings partners before they meet the whole family. Your marrige is only 3yrs old and that's where your should focus. Let your sister be, o'ska itira chappies. Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
CYBORICO
@ZolQueen
Jaja u are right and wrong, man usually have good reason why they leave, its just that explaining something that u have been observing over a long period usually doenot make sense, or u might be convinced otherwise, women, even those who want to commit are ussually too easy going for the liking of the family type of man, the problem is that man can hang aroung for kuku purpose and in that mean-time creating the impression that he might commit, whereas his mind is long made up Report Abuse
LOL
No, I'm the wise one. Only introduced him to the Jerry Springer rejects AFTER the ring was on the finger :) Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
CYBORICO
@Blackstone
Halelujah my friend, its only six months
@Mommac
do not forget that family can be controling too, what if the guy comes from a situation where the womens family interfered too much on their lifes, is it not a good precaution to first test the new woman on her ties with her family?
What if this concerned sister wrote bcoz she fears loosing finencial aid from the sister, what if the whole family fears that once this man marries their sister there will be no money? Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
TKay
Haaiii wena...dont you have a life - concerntrate on your marriage and stop baby sitting your sister. Stop putting pressure on the poor guy, they have only been dating for 6 months. O sile wena sister Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
Bumboklaat
Ke bona basadi ba ba ratang go laola maphelo a bana ba bobona, tlogela ngwana o a phele bophelo bagae. ora gore wena ge o ny.aka go phela ona le yena otla mo fa mnyakazo? the next thing otlo re botsa kamogwa o monna o amo abusang kateng. Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
MommaC
CYBORICO
We can play the 'what if' game until the cows come home. We don't know.
All that I am saying is that you should never trust a person who tries to control you or who tries to make you cut ties with your family and friends. That is the first sign of an abuser. Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
itsme4sure
@CYBORICO
you are now officially the,..."The What If Guy"......what if's you leave to woman homie.....let them crack their brains with what if's.....we see...we act....and get the job done.....leave the what if's now tuu....! Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
BOSSOKEMANGG
Why don't you focus on your'e own man?If he's not ready to meet your'e family rite now, what's wrong with that
anyway... U r married mos. just let your'e sis live her life... Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
CYBORICO
The what ifs open up all possibilities into the problem, we all have personal experiences on relationship issues, this is not an isolated incident it happens everyday.
If abusers can be easily judged like that, then why do women keep commiting to them?, i think the real abusers are usually your sweet and nice guys at the beggining and then once commited they show you the real them(thats what I believe)
Some people learn from their mistakes, if friends influence made u make costly mistakes in the past, then why will you want many friends when u commit? is it not wise to limit them as experience have shown that friends will give u a wrong advice 90% of the time u seek one.
@itsme4sure
without "what if" the world will still be covered in animal skin u clever soul, this world is wht it is today because what if was asked and is still asked today Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
Firefly
@maneater
Try spending quality time with your own husband!!!
____________________________
So your woman must have no friends and only speak to her family when you say she may? Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
CYBORICO
@MommaC
I will ignore the question as it puts words into my mouth,
But what I belive in is that for every stage in life u need to evaluate and review what u have and see if its in line with what u want, before commiting i will do the same. what i know for sure is that i will not commit to someone who values their freeedom toomuch(commitment comes with compromises) and I wont commit to someone who plans to keep all their frinds for life even those that might cost her what she already has) I will not commit to a woman who is controled by family that pretends to care and the women cannot read into it.
I think he has something to hide and he is trying to keep her to himself
**************************************************************************************************
That is a sign of compulsive obsessive behaviour........ your sister must no allow this man to dictate to her. He will aliniate her from the family and later poo will hit the fan. These kind of men are dangerous.............. Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
MommaC
CYBORICO
Then you won't be with that person for very long.
It takes two whole people to make a whole relationship - not two half people clinging to eachother like poison vines Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
CYBORICO
Anyway on the friend issue, as ruud as it may sounds but i read this motivational book once, and it had the question of" take a look at you and your friends and evaluate those u need and those that need you and see if overall u gain or loose from having frindship with them" guess what my evaluation happen to be that I loose all the time and only gain company from this guys. Most of the times people are your friends because they need something from u, u can only judge a friend wants evryone has money or has a stable life.
the same frinds who tell u to fight for your freedom(while they are sinlge and u are committed) will be the ones who tell u to take care of your family and stop visiting them offen once they commit aswell
@Momma c
not at all, i belive in willing seller and willing buyer, i dont try to change people(experince have shown otherwise) but once I judge i can leave knowing that the product i am leaving is not the one I ordered, I bealive there are still women outthere who belive in a strong family unit its just they are not your everyday sophie's u need to really look hard Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
MissyKay
o rata ditaba tsa batho period...she is a full grown woman, you have a husband...use that unnecessary energy on you hubby instead of your sis...if she is experiencing problems with the new guy..i'm sure you will be the first to know! Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
itsme4sure
@CYBORICO
@itsme4sure
without "what if" the world will still be covered in animal skin u clever soul, this world is wht it is today because what if was asked and is still asked today
_____________
go ahead and ask my brother....the answers will come in some way or form. Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
HollaBaby
@maneater
Try spending quality time with your own husband!!!
Thats true
let her make her mistakes thats life.she will never know if he is good or bad until she dates him.wena you just need to give her support again when things dont work out Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
CYBORICO
@itsme4sure
whatever man, its barbarians like u who make us all look bad and stupid as black people. the same computer u busy using and thinking u r now smart operates with lots of "IFs" but who needs to know that??? Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
Mphokolodi02
i think the sister is pimping her man !why else would he cum out????? Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
itsme4sure
@CYBORICO
tell me...what does race have to do with all of this now homie....? Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
CYBORICO
race has evrything to do with this, you and your people are currently at the bottom of the intelectual hierachy and people like you are making sure that its stays the same.
The fact that u cant grasp that commitment is a contract that need to be honoured, put race at the fore front of this, look at divorce stats, look at a.buse stats, look at r.ape stats, your prople are amongst the top in those, but when it comes to anything with structure you are amongst the last. Black people have s.ex organs for brains Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
MommaC
CYBORICO
Rather b*y yourself a puppy then. Leave purchasing a human until you are a bit older.
Friendships that are based on 'what is in it for me' are not friendships and marriages based on ownership are not marriages. Yes, you get toxic relationships and those have to be terminated but, in time, you will learn that people only ever treat you the way you allow them to. If you allow someone to take advantage of you all the time then that is what they will do. If you know full well that your friend will get up at 3am and drive through to the middle of nowhere to get you if your car has broken down, then you should be willing to do the same. That is friendship. If you have the same trust and faith in someone who makes your heart beat faster then it becomes marriage. Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
makgadimanantweng
Hei Sista stop being selfish, u should be happy yr sister found her groove back and be greatful she did not sleep with yr husband-- let go pleease Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
CYBORICO
@Mommac
the real reason why relationship are becomeing harder to handle is because people have given up, people cheat because they assume their partner does the same, well i am not the type to cowar infront of challenges, i will keep looking for someone who understand that marriage has little to do with luv. I ever said cut all your friends, its u who if honnest to youself can make the decision of who is bad and who to keep as your friend. Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
itsme4sure
@CYBORICO
so tell me Mr. Intellectual....what is my racial & ethnic group......another essay is about to be written. Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
CYBORICO
@Itsme4sure
Essay might be the only thing u took out of school, so its not worth replying to u anymore,cheers Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
MommaC
CYBORICO
Marriage has everything to do with love. The problem is that too many people don't understand the difference between love, lust and infatuation. They are three completely different things.
Marriage is a lot of hard work. The first three or so years of marriage are incredibly difficult. Thereafter it is constant work to keep it healthy. I once heard it compared to a rose garden. If you tend it then it is a thing of beauty but if you just ignore it once it is planted then it turns into a weed infested bramble pit Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
CYBORICO
@4sure
jy is a k.affir moona, and from what u write I can safely guess that u r not Nguni what i suspect is that u might be from the same tribal group as Malema Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
CYBORICO
@Mommac
then why are you fighting like this, the same rose garden doesnot become a rose garden once there is blooming roses, it starts back on the day u pick up rose plant stocks and immerse them in water for roots to grow. your luv for roses wont stop u from discarding all the rose stalks that dry out during this root growing stage. Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
itsme4sure
@CYBORICO
point proven....you're pathetic my brother.....assumptions are the mother of all fokups.....assume my brother...assume....or better yet..."WHAT IF".....lets say....i'm an orge..am I still at the bottom of the intelectual hierachy...*curious* Report Abuse
But you can't go around sh00ting the birds that visit the garden simply because you don't like the colour of their plumage.
Friendships nurture us and families support us. We are, by nature, pack animals. To now say that a woman must give up her friends and family the minute she has a man in her life is just unfair. It also leaves her (or him) open to being abused and controlled by the partner. Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
itsme4sure
@MommaC
why are you still entertaining this hydrochloric acid brain infected atom called CYBORICO....?
He has a weird outlook. I'm just trying to understand it. Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
CYBORICO
@Mommac
partialy agree with that, i will shoot down foregn birds which are likely to infest my garden woith all type of foreign weeds, taking care of worms and rose eaters should be part of maintaining the garden.
@4sure
jelouse that the conversation is now beyond your rational capacity?? go get yourself some pentanol and later go fullfill the needs of that tiny brain u keep in those undies of yours Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
MommaC
CYBORICO
Birds don't eat roses, they eat the worms that eat the roses :) Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
CYBORICO
@Mommac
we might be viewed as pack animals but the bounderies between packs should be clear, a wolf pack never mixes with jackal packs, so its not about the women giving up everything but defining the bounderies of her pack's teritory more clearly. Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
itsme4sure
@CYBORICO
@Mommac
partialy agree with that, i will shoot down foregn birds which are likely to infest my garden woith all type of foreign weeds, taking care of worms and rose eaters should be part of maintaining the garden.
____________________
kwaaaaaaaaaaakwaaaaaaaa.....you one in a million homie....you made my day....! Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
itsme4sure
@MommaC
CYBORICO
Birds don't eat roses, they eat the worms that eat the roses :)
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
lol....i have a fr3e comedy jam at my disposal vandag....Momma, take it easy on the dude. Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
CYBORICO
@ Momma C
Birds don't eat roses, they eat the worms that eat the roses :)
is this the part where u test me if i keep track of what i say? we talking relationships here roses and birds were just an example due to the similarity of the situations!!! or am i loosing it Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
CYBORICO
@4sure
now u are a fan of Mommac, just like what u did with Zuma an Juju, r u still denying that u from rural polokwane?
@Mommac
I take this as a platform where we discuss, but from what yo pet 4 sure is saying i would like to make it clear that i am not here for a win, but discussion of my views and comparison to other's view, hope u havenot lost the plot. Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
MommaC
CYBORICO
LOL
Nobody is asking you to marry outside of your own species.
Core nuclear families do have a certain separateness from the rest of the 'herd' but still rely on the extended family to stay healthy. If I have a 'woman' problem, I won't ask my husband for advice, I'll ask my mom or my female friends. Same when I had questions about child raising, I asked friends and family who HAVE kids.
The birds eating the worms are part of a similar situation. It is very hard for the worm of abuse to survive if the friendly birds are around Report Abuse
@Momma c
it gets back to the willing buyer and willing seller i talked about earlier, u will never need to control a willing partner, hence the screnning process should be the critical one.
Wolf and Jackals are of the same d.og family but differs slightly due to genetic changes caused by geographical situations, the similarity with our case being a woman that wants to commit(jackal in your case) will by herself cut off all ties with her mahosha friends(wolfs), just like a woman who wants to commit will not allow foregn birds(make many new boy friends, but will make new male business partners and other people she realy needs) into he rose garden. are u getting the drift here. Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
CYBORICO
@4sure
do u know that they accept people of any age in our schools? Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
MommaC
CYBORICO
You make it all sound like buying a pair of socks in Pep.
Nobody can foresee who they will fall in love with and nobody can dictate to their heart who that person will be. If you go into marriage thinking that you have 'bought' a human then the marriage will not last very long. A marriage is about equals. The minute you make it about ownership or try to push it into a child and adult scenario, it will begin to crumble. Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
CYBORICO
Mommac, willing buyer willing seller should not be interpreted as u do, who is the seller then? maybe I should have said "mutual feeling to comitt" hope that will work for u, i am not a chauvinist like our fathers who believd women can be cotrolled by cash, i need a woman who can control herself, period Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
CYBORICO
@Mommac
by controling hereself i dont mean pretend to but do it. Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
MommaC
CYBORICO
.... but you aren't willing to trust her to control herself. You want to dictate to her who she may or may not speak to. That is controlling HER not her controlling herself Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
itsme4sure
birds...nuclear families...worms....roses...wolfs...jackels...dogs...herds....OMG...you'll k!lling me....its too much for the boy......*rotflmao*......kwaaaaaaaaaakwaaaaaaaa Report Abuse
:) we could get our own DSTV channel. Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
CYBORICO
@Mommac
. but you aren't willing to trust her to control herself. You want to dictate to her who she may or may not speak to. That is controlling HER not her controlling herself
hope u r refering to your hubby here, coz mina i am stressing the screening process, if done correct even abusers will rest assured that their abusive nature wont find use in the family.
@4sure
hope u dont have kids, actually hope u r barren coz it will be a disgrace for anybody to have a father like u, when nthe going gets taugh u revert to preschooll tactics of making lots of noise, i bet u know yourself to b a true stlayela, u just trying to cover it up, hope mommac is just playing a fool of u with her comments so far Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
CYBORICO
@ Mr essay
u h.ate reading neh? guess why u lack so much in brain power, u read the first line and comment immediateley after that, Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
CYBORICO
@Momma c
if u going to agree with this m.oron just bcoz he is from the same tribal group as u then we really have big problems in Pedi land Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
MommaC
CYBORICO
Well good luck with the screening process. I just hope you find someone who doesn't have a screening process of her own because the no friends rule won't pass any female pre-screening.
He is just so wrong for her. I hardly see her anymore because she is always with him.
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Kwaaaa! Sheis going to stick to this one as if a super glue was used. You better leave her alone and stck to your husband.
Was your friendship with your sister too friendly for.....?..well lets leave it there. Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
CYBORICO
Mommac
I want someone with a screening process of her own my dear friend, that way if i pass it and she passes mine we know that half the job is done. Mommac this is not rocket science, relationships are easy u just need to get the right material. My comments so far are mean for both male and female dont confuse that with me only wanting whats best for me, i also want a women who knows whats best for her, if i am not that i will gladly accept it. Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
CYBORICO
@Mommac
I never said cut all your friends, its u who if honnest to youself can make the decision of who is bad and who to keep as your friend.
You aren't understanding my objection to your philosophy. You are claiming that YOU should decide who her friends are and how much contact she has with HER family. That puts you in a position of being either a parent or a controller.
There are compromises in every relationship. There are old friends of mine (and family of mine) whom my husband doesn't like. He doesn't have to. They aren't his family and friends. I don't take him to visit them and I don't make him phone them. There are also friends of his that I don't particularly like. As long as they stay out of my face, its his choice to have them as friends or not. I don't tell him who he may or may not speak to - he is a grown up, not a child Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
CYBORICO
@Momma c
You aren't understanding my objection to your philosophy. You are claiming that YOU should decide who her friends are and how much contact she has with HER family. That puts you in a position of being either a parent or a controller.
I never said all the above, u assumed i meant it, or u might be someone who knows me personally and u r overstepping with previlaged infor or something of that sort Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
CYBORICO
u should have read my What ifs, now they r come back to haunt u, puting words in my mouth. Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
CYBORICO
so tell me am i wrong to wanna keep it going on , preach what i belive is right, in churches and in bars with bible in one hand and liquor on the other and be the last one left standing for what is right? do not commit if the b$%h is not ready(though they always say yes if u propose) and do not commit if the bus%$%d is not what u want, forget the looks and the mula, trouble can be sensed from the word go, hoping people will change once committed is fools gold Report Abuse
May 4, 2012
MommaC
CYBORICO
I quote your comment
"Some people learn from their mistakes, if friends influence made u make costly mistakes in the past, then why will you want many friends when u commit? is it not wise to limit them as experience have shown that friends will give u a wrong advice 90% of the time u seek one."
+
"i will not commit to someone who values their freeedom toomuch(commitment comes with compromises) and I wont commit to someone who plans to keep all their frinds for life "
+
"i will shoot down foregn birds which are likely to infest my garden woith all type of foreign weeds"
Now I may have misunderstood your message but I saw it as you wishing to dictate who she may or may not be friends with. It is a proven fact that an abuser will get the lover to cut all ties with their family and friends, That allows them to erode the self confidence of the person being abused. This is not something I am making up. I have volunteered in women's shelters for more years than I care to admit to and my own sister was a victim of this kind of 'solitary confinement' abuse technique. Don't trust anyone who tries to make you cut ties with your family and friends. It is the first sign that they are an abuser. I'm not saying that your mother-in-law should share your honeymoon bedroom, I'm saying that turning a lover into a hermit is not healthy Report Abuse
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Comments
maneater
Try spending quality time with your own husband!!!Report Abuse
JajazQueen
@maneaterTry spending quality time with your own husband!!!
____________________________
Hahahaha!!!
Report Abuse
JajazQueen
I think both she and the sister are very clingy individuals. Whatever happened to meeting a man, getting to know each other and seeing where the relationship goes from there. It seems they both dig in their claws on the first man they meet. Very controlling individuals the whole lot of them.Report Abuse
JUBJUB
You guys must continue seing each other,just call her often.And as for you to be suspicious i doubt there is something wrong with the guy.Report Abuse
MommaC
Never trust anyone who tries to separate you from your family or friends. It is the first sign of an abuser.Report Abuse
Ann
just let her be, i think you are over protectiveReport Abuse
Noir19
I think you need to accept and understanad that people are different, so dont expect the new boyfriend to be the replacement of the ex, he is his own person and he does things his way, jst accept and move on with issues of ur familyReport Abuse
candilious
MommaCNever trust anyone who tries to separate you from your family or friends. It is the first sign of an abuser.
**********************************
I agree 100% girl. My advice wuld be chat to your sister daily tell her everything about this guy,so by the time you really meet it will feel as if you know him already.
As for your suspicion feel it we hav alot of nut cases around the world.You know nothing about him..............And remember ur sister at her most vonerable state she needs you both
Report Abuse
JazzMandaba
I think the problem here is that the sister and the rest of the family were used to the late boyfriend and now they are in the hurry to compare the new one to the old one.I can tell after they have met him,they will be the first ones to say he is not right for you.I have seen families like these ones before.First thing that they should remmember is that people are different in this world and maybe this new boyfiend is gonna be even more wonderful than the first one.As they normaly say Maybe it was a blessing in disguise.Just give him time, please I am begging you.Report Abuse
itsme4sure
and why are you so focused on your sister's men all the time instead of your own husband......who knows, maybe the brother does not wana meet the family cos it’s your very husband who is consoling her...and how do you know he is not right for her, if you have not met him yet.....spend ur time and energy on more productive things, than worrying who is doing your sister.Report Abuse
tumzangwana
dear sad sisterjust let your sister to live her life, she is old enough to know whats right for her and whats not. dont even think of telling your sister about your suspicions about the guy because it seems like your sister is weak and she might tell the boyfriend what you said and it can get ugly, further isolating your sister from her family. you my dear you will end up the fool who tried to break them up and you might lose your sister. if she does get abused i believed she will tell you as it seem like you are very close.
Report Abuse
sabza007
My sister does not speak to me till today, because I had constantly warn her about the types of friends she had and the boyfriends she dated.I was not trying to intrude into her private life , but I was guiding her as to be aware of the beasts in sheep skin. Today she has three fatherless kids, because of her stubbornness .Report Abuse
CYBORICO
@MommacI also believe it hard for a man to commit with someone who seem to be clutching to much on her family, we commit to nstart our own family so if your partner values her mothers family more than her own(the one u want to start with her) then we have a problem, hence why man take forever before they commit, women usually fail the early commitment tests that their male partners subject them to. it is the main reason why men will suddenly leave without a real reason, the reasons for not commiting are usually given out by your partner without knowing.
Seeeing the family will create the impression that this guy is ready to commit, whereas the guy still wants to know more, i know girls never study us man they just go in blindfolded, but its a different story with most man
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JajazQueen
@sabza007Today she has three fatherless kids, because of her stubbornness .
__________________________
No one is fatherless...just the fathers are not part of their lives.
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JajazQueen
@CYBORICOMen will leave for their own reasons. It's just that they use the 'lack' of commitment as an excuse.
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CYBORICO
MommaCNever trust anyone who tries to separate you from your family or friends. It is the first sign of an abuser.
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I agree 100% girl. My advice wuld be chat to your sister daily tell her everything about this guy,so by the time you really meet it will feel as if you know him already.
u guys will let all the good hubies go away if u just going to take this statement as is, I believe u will need to dertemine why he is keeping you away or limiting the time u spend with your family, some man belive that their spouses are supposed to b their best friends, and will only commit if the women shows those qualities of trusting and wanting to be trusted, but if u go gossip about me with family it means family is your friend and I am the outsider, thats why men just dissapear, he is not getting what he expected.
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MommaC
CYBORICOMy husband met most of my family at our wedding reception :)
The sister doesn't give much detail so I'm not able to make any call on this but I do know that men (and women) who separate their lover from their family and friends are abusive. They need to separate them from their 'security' system in order to control them,
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Blackstone.lebs
She said he was shy and wanted to first see where the relationship went before meeting us.++++++++++++++++++++++++++
It's a reasonable explanation. Only 6months and you already writing letters to Sowetan. You sound like a pest, the type that wants to first approve it's siblings partners before they meet the whole family. Your marrige is only 3yrs old and that's where your should focus. Let your sister be, o'ska itira chappies.
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CYBORICO
@ZolQueenJaja u are right and wrong, man usually have good reason why they leave, its just that explaining something that u have been observing over a long period usually doenot make sense, or u might be convinced otherwise, women, even those who want to commit are ussually too easy going for the liking of the family type of man, the problem is that man can hang aroung for kuku purpose and in that mean-time creating the impression that he might commit, whereas his mind is long made up
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itsme4sure
@MommaCur hubby is a wise man......lol
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MommaC
itsme4sureLOL
No, I'm the wise one. Only introduced him to the Jerry Springer rejects AFTER the ring was on the finger :)
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CYBORICO
@BlackstoneHalelujah my friend, its only six months
@Mommac
do not forget that family can be controling too, what if the guy comes from a situation where the womens family interfered too much on their lifes, is it not a good precaution to first test the new woman on her ties with her family?
What if this concerned sister wrote bcoz she fears loosing finencial aid from the sister, what if the whole family fears that once this man marries their sister there will be no money?
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TKay
Haaiii wena...dont you have a life - concerntrate on your marriage and stop baby sitting your sister. Stop putting pressure on the poor guy, they have only been dating for 6 months. O sile wena sisterReport Abuse
Bumboklaat
Ke bona basadi ba ba ratang go laola maphelo a bana ba bobona, tlogela ngwana o a phele bophelo bagae. ora gore wena ge o ny.aka go phela ona le yena otla mo fa mnyakazo? the next thing otlo re botsa kamogwa o monna o amo abusang kateng.Report Abuse
MommaC
CYBORICOWe can play the 'what if' game until the cows come home. We don't know.
All that I am saying is that you should never trust a person who tries to control you or who tries to make you cut ties with your family and friends. That is the first sign of an abuser.
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itsme4sure
@CYBORICOyou are now officially the,..."The What If Guy"......what if's you leave to woman homie.....let them crack their brains with what if's.....we see...we act....and get the job done.....leave the what if's now tuu....!
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BOSSOKEMANGG
Why don't you focus on your'e own man?If he's not ready to meet your'e family rite now, what's wrong with thatanyway... U r married mos. just let your'e sis live her life...
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CYBORICO
The what ifs open up all possibilities into the problem, we all have personal experiences on relationship issues, this is not an isolated incident it happens everyday.If abusers can be easily judged like that, then why do women keep commiting to them?, i think the real abusers are usually your sweet and nice guys at the beggining and then once commited they show you the real them(thats what I believe)
Some people learn from their mistakes, if friends influence made u make costly mistakes in the past, then why will you want many friends when u commit? is it not wise to limit them as experience have shown that friends will give u a wrong advice 90% of the time u seek one.
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CYBORICO
@itsme4surewithout "what if" the world will still be covered in animal skin u clever soul, this world is wht it is today because what if was asked and is still asked today
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Firefly
@maneaterTry spending quality time with your own husband!!!
____________________________
Hahahaha!!!
Post of the day.
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MommaC
CYBORICOSo your woman must have no friends and only speak to her family when you say she may?
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CYBORICO
@MommaCI will ignore the question as it puts words into my mouth,
But what I belive in is that for every stage in life u need to evaluate and review what u have and see if its in line with what u want, before commiting i will do the same. what i know for sure is that i will not commit to someone who values their freeedom toomuch(commitment comes with compromises) and I wont commit to someone who plans to keep all their frinds for life even those that might cost her what she already has) I will not commit to a woman who is controled by family that pretends to care and the women cannot read into it.
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MsKinkyakaKamaSutra
I think he has something to hide and he is trying to keep her to himself**************************************************************************************************
That is a sign of compulsive obsessive behaviour........ your sister must no allow this man to dictate to her. He will aliniate her from the family and later poo will hit the fan. These kind of men are dangerous..............
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MommaC
CYBORICOThen you won't be with that person for very long.
It takes two whole people to make a whole relationship - not two half people clinging to eachother like poison vines
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CYBORICO
Anyway on the friend issue, as ruud as it may sounds but i read this motivational book once, and it had the question of" take a look at you and your friends and evaluate those u need and those that need you and see if overall u gain or loose from having frindship with them" guess what my evaluation happen to be that I loose all the time and only gain company from this guys. Most of the times people are your friends because they need something from u, u can only judge a friend wants evryone has money or has a stable life.the same frinds who tell u to fight for your freedom(while they are sinlge and u are committed) will be the ones who tell u to take care of your family and stop visiting them offen once they commit aswell
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CYBORICO
@Momma cnot at all, i belive in willing seller and willing buyer, i dont try to change people(experince have shown otherwise) but once I judge i can leave knowing that the product i am leaving is not the one I ordered, I bealive there are still women outthere who belive in a strong family unit its just they are not your everyday sophie's u need to really look hard
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MissyKay
o rata ditaba tsa batho period...she is a full grown woman, you have a husband...use that unnecessary energy on you hubby instead of your sis...if she is experiencing problems with the new guy..i'm sure you will be the first to know!Report Abuse
itsme4sure
@CYBORICO@itsme4sure
without "what if" the world will still be covered in animal skin u clever soul, this world is wht it is today because what if was asked and is still asked today
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go ahead and ask my brother....the answers will come in some way or form.
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HollaBaby
@maneaterTry spending quality time with your own husband!!!
Thats true
let her make her mistakes thats life.she will never know if he is good or bad until she dates him.wena you just need to give her support again when things dont work out
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CYBORICO
@itsme4surewhatever man, its barbarians like u who make us all look bad and stupid as black people. the same computer u busy using and thinking u r now smart operates with lots of "IFs" but who needs to know that???
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Mphokolodi02
i think the sister is pimping her man !why else would he cum out?????Report Abuse
itsme4sure
@CYBORICOtell me...what does race have to do with all of this now homie....?
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CYBORICO
race has evrything to do with this, you and your people are currently at the bottom of the intelectual hierachy and people like you are making sure that its stays the same.The fact that u cant grasp that commitment is a contract that need to be honoured, put race at the fore front of this, look at divorce stats, look at a.buse stats, look at r.ape stats, your prople are amongst the top in those, but when it comes to anything with structure you are amongst the last. Black people have s.ex organs for brains
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MommaC
CYBORICORather b*y yourself a puppy then. Leave purchasing a human until you are a bit older.
Friendships that are based on 'what is in it for me' are not friendships and marriages based on ownership are not marriages. Yes, you get toxic relationships and those have to be terminated but, in time, you will learn that people only ever treat you the way you allow them to. If you allow someone to take advantage of you all the time then that is what they will do. If you know full well that your friend will get up at 3am and drive through to the middle of nowhere to get you if your car has broken down, then you should be willing to do the same. That is friendship. If you have the same trust and faith in someone who makes your heart beat faster then it becomes marriage.
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makgadimanantweng
Hei Sista stop being selfish, u should be happy yr sister found her groove back and be greatful she did not sleep with yr husband-- let go pleeaseReport Abuse
CYBORICO
@Mommacthe real reason why relationship are becomeing harder to handle is because people have given up, people cheat because they assume their partner does the same, well i am not the type to cowar infront of challenges, i will keep looking for someone who understand that marriage has little to do with luv. I ever said cut all your friends, its u who if honnest to youself can make the decision of who is bad and who to keep as your friend.
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itsme4sure
@CYBORICOso tell me Mr. Intellectual....what is my racial & ethnic group......another essay is about to be written.
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CYBORICO
@Itsme4sureEssay might be the only thing u took out of school, so its not worth replying to u anymore,cheers
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MommaC
CYBORICOMarriage has everything to do with love. The problem is that too many people don't understand the difference between love, lust and infatuation. They are three completely different things.
Marriage is a lot of hard work. The first three or so years of marriage are incredibly difficult. Thereafter it is constant work to keep it healthy. I once heard it compared to a rose garden. If you tend it then it is a thing of beauty but if you just ignore it once it is planted then it turns into a weed infested bramble pit
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CYBORICO
@4surejy is a k.affir moona, and from what u write I can safely guess that u r not Nguni what i suspect is that u might be from the same tribal group as Malema
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CYBORICO
@Mommacthen why are you fighting like this, the same rose garden doesnot become a rose garden once there is blooming roses, it starts back on the day u pick up rose plant stocks and immerse them in water for roots to grow. your luv for roses wont stop u from discarding all the rose stalks that dry out during this root growing stage.
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itsme4sure
@CYBORICOpoint proven....you're pathetic my brother.....assumptions are the mother of all fokups.....assume my brother...assume....or better yet..."WHAT IF".....lets say....i'm an orge..am I still at the bottom of the intelectual hierachy...*curious*
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CYBORICO
@4 surethanks bro
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itsme4sure
@CYBORICOthe pleasure is all mine....good luck with your contractual commitments....!
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MommaC
CYBORICOBut you can't go around sh00ting the birds that visit the garden simply because you don't like the colour of their plumage.
Friendships nurture us and families support us. We are, by nature, pack animals. To now say that a woman must give up her friends and family the minute she has a man in her life is just unfair. It also leaves her (or him) open to being abused and controlled by the partner.
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itsme4sure
@MommaCwhy are you still entertaining this hydrochloric acid brain infected atom called CYBORICO....?
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MommaC
itsme4sureHe has a weird outlook. I'm just trying to understand it.
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CYBORICO
@Mommacpartialy agree with that, i will shoot down foregn birds which are likely to infest my garden woith all type of foreign weeds, taking care of worms and rose eaters should be part of maintaining the garden.
@4sure
jelouse that the conversation is now beyond your rational capacity?? go get yourself some pentanol and later go fullfill the needs of that tiny brain u keep in those undies of yours
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MommaC
CYBORICOBirds don't eat roses, they eat the worms that eat the roses :)
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CYBORICO
@Mommacwe might be viewed as pack animals but the bounderies between packs should be clear, a wolf pack never mixes with jackal packs, so its not about the women giving up everything but defining the bounderies of her pack's teritory more clearly.
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itsme4sure
@CYBORICO@Mommac
partialy agree with that, i will shoot down foregn birds which are likely to infest my garden woith all type of foreign weeds, taking care of worms and rose eaters should be part of maintaining the garden.
____________________
kwaaaaaaaaaaakwaaaaaaaa.....you one in a million homie....you made my day....!
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itsme4sure
@MommaCCYBORICO
Birds don't eat roses, they eat the worms that eat the roses :)
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
lol....i have a fr3e comedy jam at my disposal vandag....Momma, take it easy on the dude.
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CYBORICO
@ Momma CBirds don't eat roses, they eat the worms that eat the roses :)
is this the part where u test me if i keep track of what i say? we talking relationships here roses and birds were just an example due to the similarity of the situations!!! or am i loosing it
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CYBORICO
@4surenow u are a fan of Mommac, just like what u did with Zuma an Juju, r u still denying that u from rural polokwane?
@Mommac
I take this as a platform where we discuss, but from what yo pet 4 sure is saying i would like to make it clear that i am not here for a win, but discussion of my views and comparison to other's view, hope u havenot lost the plot.
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MommaC
CYBORICOLOL
Nobody is asking you to marry outside of your own species.
Core nuclear families do have a certain separateness from the rest of the 'herd' but still rely on the extended family to stay healthy. If I have a 'woman' problem, I won't ask my husband for advice, I'll ask my mom or my female friends. Same when I had questions about child raising, I asked friends and family who HAVE kids.
The birds eating the worms are part of a similar situation. It is very hard for the worm of abuse to survive if the friendly birds are around
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MommaC
itsme4sureHope you brought popcorn :)
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CYBORICO
@Momma cit gets back to the willing buyer and willing seller i talked about earlier, u will never need to control a willing partner, hence the screnning process should be the critical one.
Wolf and Jackals are of the same d.og family but differs slightly due to genetic changes caused by geographical situations, the similarity with our case being a woman that wants to commit(jackal in your case) will by herself cut off all ties with her mahosha friends(wolfs), just like a woman who wants to commit will not allow foregn birds(make many new boy friends, but will make new male business partners and other people she realy needs) into he rose garden. are u getting the drift here.
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CYBORICO
@4suredo u know that they accept people of any age in our schools?
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MommaC
CYBORICOYou make it all sound like buying a pair of socks in Pep.
Nobody can foresee who they will fall in love with and nobody can dictate to their heart who that person will be. If you go into marriage thinking that you have 'bought' a human then the marriage will not last very long. A marriage is about equals. The minute you make it about ownership or try to push it into a child and adult scenario, it will begin to crumble.
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CYBORICO
Mommac, willing buyer willing seller should not be interpreted as u do, who is the seller then? maybe I should have said "mutual feeling to comitt" hope that will work for u, i am not a chauvinist like our fathers who believd women can be cotrolled by cash, i need a woman who can control herself, periodReport Abuse
CYBORICO
@Mommacby controling hereself i dont mean pretend to but do it.
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MommaC
CYBORICO.... but you aren't willing to trust her to control herself. You want to dictate to her who she may or may not speak to. That is controlling HER not her controlling herself
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itsme4sure
birds...nuclear families...worms....roses...wolfs...jackels...dogs...herds....OMG...you'll k!lling me....its too much for the boy......*rotflmao*......kwaaaaaaaaaakwaaaaaaaaReport Abuse
MommaC
itsme4sureAnimal planet R us :)
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itsme4sure
@MommaCthe beauty of Fauna & Flora
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MommaC
itsme4sure:) we could get our own DSTV channel.
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CYBORICO
@Mommac. but you aren't willing to trust her to control herself. You want to dictate to her who she may or may not speak to. That is controlling HER not her controlling herself
hope u r refering to your hubby here, coz mina i am stressing the screening process, if done correct even abusers will rest assured that their abusive nature wont find use in the family.
@4sure
hope u dont have kids, actually hope u r barren coz it will be a disgrace for anybody to have a father like u, when nthe going gets taugh u revert to preschooll tactics of making lots of noise, i bet u know yourself to b a true stlayela, u just trying to cover it up, hope mommac is just playing a fool of u with her comments so far
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CYBORICO
@ Mr essayu h.ate reading neh? guess why u lack so much in brain power, u read the first line and comment immediateley after that,
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CYBORICO
@Momma cif u going to agree with this m.oron just bcoz he is from the same tribal group as u then we really have big problems in Pedi land
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MommaC
CYBORICOWell good luck with the screening process. I just hope you find someone who doesn't have a screening process of her own because the no friends rule won't pass any female pre-screening.
Which m0ron am I agreeing with?
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MSG_S
He is just so wrong for her. I hardly see her anymore because she is always with him.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kwaaaa! Sheis going to stick to this one as if a super glue was used. You better leave her alone and stck to your husband.
Was your friendship with your sister too friendly for.....?..well lets leave it there.
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CYBORICO
MommacI want someone with a screening process of her own my dear friend, that way if i pass it and she passes mine we know that half the job is done. Mommac this is not rocket science, relationships are easy u just need to get the right material. My comments so far are mean for both male and female dont confuse that with me only wanting whats best for me, i also want a women who knows whats best for her, if i am not that i will gladly accept it.
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CYBORICO
@MommacI never said cut all your friends, its u who if honnest to youself can make the decision of who is bad and who to keep as your friend.
that is what i said about friends
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MommaC
CYBORICOYou aren't understanding my objection to your philosophy. You are claiming that YOU should decide who her friends are and how much contact she has with HER family. That puts you in a position of being either a parent or a controller.
There are compromises in every relationship. There are old friends of mine (and family of mine) whom my husband doesn't like. He doesn't have to. They aren't his family and friends. I don't take him to visit them and I don't make him phone them. There are also friends of his that I don't particularly like. As long as they stay out of my face, its his choice to have them as friends or not. I don't tell him who he may or may not speak to - he is a grown up, not a child
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CYBORICO
@Momma cYou aren't understanding my objection to your philosophy. You are claiming that YOU should decide who her friends are and how much contact she has with HER family. That puts you in a position of being either a parent or a controller.
I never said all the above, u assumed i meant it, or u might be someone who knows me personally and u r overstepping with previlaged infor or something of that sort
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CYBORICO
u should have read my What ifs, now they r come back to haunt u, puting words in my mouth.Report Abuse
CYBORICO
so tell me am i wrong to wanna keep it going on , preach what i belive is right, in churches and in bars with bible in one hand and liquor on the other and be the last one left standing for what is right? do not commit if the b$%h is not ready(though they always say yes if u propose) and do not commit if the bus%$%d is not what u want, forget the looks and the mula, trouble can be sensed from the word go, hoping people will change once committed is fools goldReport Abuse
MommaC
CYBORICOI quote your comment
"Some people learn from their mistakes, if friends influence made u make costly mistakes in the past, then why will you want many friends when u commit? is it not wise to limit them as experience have shown that friends will give u a wrong advice 90% of the time u seek one."
+
"i will not commit to someone who values their freeedom toomuch(commitment comes with compromises) and I wont commit to someone who plans to keep all their frinds for life "
+
"i will shoot down foregn birds which are likely to infest my garden woith all type of foreign weeds"
Now I may have misunderstood your message but I saw it as you wishing to dictate who she may or may not be friends with. It is a proven fact that an abuser will get the lover to cut all ties with their family and friends, That allows them to erode the self confidence of the person being abused. This is not something I am making up. I have volunteered in women's shelters for more years than I care to admit to and my own sister was a victim of this kind of 'solitary confinement' abuse technique. Don't trust anyone who tries to make you cut ties with your family and friends. It is the first sign that they are an abuser. I'm not saying that your mother-in-law should share your honeymoon bedroom, I'm saying that turning a lover into a hermit is not healthy
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Bara_product
ur fam sucks LOLReport Abuse
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