Tue Feb 28 02:53:34 CAT 2017
Pretoria calm after riots

Calm has returned to the streets of Pretoria following a chaotic march against immigrants on Friday..

We are like two ships passing in the night

By Dear Dudu | 2012-01-27 07:01:18.0

MY WIFE and I have been married for eight years and we have two children aged five and three. I have always believed that our marriage was a happy one, though over the past year we seem to have grown apart.

We are both employed and, of course, when we get home we try to give our children some quality time.

On weekends we always seem to be visiting friends and family. My wife seems to always be exhausted, which I understand because she has a lot on her plate.

We hardly have a physical relationship and when we talk it seems to be either about work or the kids. I feel so sad because we had so much in common and always seemed to have fun.

Someone commented recently that we are like two ships passing in the night. I am starting to feel that it has gone too far and I don't know how we could ever connect again.

In my loneliness I have met another woman who is also married. But she is also stuck in a very unhappy marriage and wants to leave her husband. Nothing has happened between us but we both feel that to end our marriages would be too traumatic for our children. We would hurt too many people.

We have tried to be just friends but the attraction is too great. I am scared that if we continue our spouses or friends will find out. I know that this sort of thing always seems to come out. Is it so bad that I want to find some happiness in my life? Does that make me such a bad person? I am starting to resent my wife. What should I do? LJT, Randburg

DUDU RESPONDS:

Don't expect me to condone or give you permission to have an affair. You are looking for justification and behaving like a spoilt child. If you can't have your way you will punish your wife - what sort of behaviour is that?

You have two young children and you need to ask yourself whether by behaving like this, you would be a role model for them. All marriages go through ups and downs and you have to have the character and will to get through the hard times.

There is no reason why you should not find the magic in your marriage again.

What you must understand is that most marriages lose some of the passion as time passes. Friendship between the spouses grows stronger and this is the foundation of a good marriage but of course should also include a good physical relationship.

This doesn't just happen but takes effort from both of you. You really need to talk to your wife honestly and tell her how you feel about your marriage.

Marriage is hard work and both of you must make the effort to find what you once loved about each other.

If you cannot resolve this together then seek counseling. If you decide to have an affair and, as you point out, get found out it would impact not only on your spouses and children but also on extended family and friends. Both of you owe it to your families to try and rebuild your marriages.

X