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 Don't expect me to condone or give you permission to have an affair. You are looking for justification and behaving like a spoilt child 

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We are both employed and, of course, when we get home we try to give our children some quality time.

On weekends we always seem to be visiting friends and family. My wife seems to always be exhausted, which I understand because she has a lot on her plate.

We hardly have a physical relationship and when we talk it seems to be either about work or the kids. I feel so sad because we had so much in common and always seemed to have fun.

Someone commented recently that we are like two ships passing in the night. I am starting to feel that it has gone too far and I don't know how we could ever connect again.

In my loneliness I have met another woman who is also married. But she is also stuck in a very unhappy marriage and wants to leave her husband. Nothing has happened between us but we both feel that to end our marriages would be too traumatic for our children. We would hurt too many people.

We have tried to be just friends but the attraction is too great. I am scared that if we continue our spouses or friends will find out. I know that this sort of thing always seems to come out. Is it so bad that I want to find some happiness in my life? Does that make me such a bad person? I am starting to resent my wife. What should I do? LJT, Randburg

DUDU RESPONDS:

Don't expect me to condone or give you permission to have an affair. You are looking for justification and behaving like a spoilt child. If you can't have your way you will punish your wife - what sort of behaviour is that?

You have two young children and you need to ask yourself whether by behaving like this, you would be a role model for them. All marriages go through ups and downs and you have to have the character and will to get through the hard times.

There is no reason why you should not find the magic in your marriage again.

What you must understand is that most marriages lose some of the passion as time passes. Friendship between the spouses grows stronger and this is the foundation of a good marriage but of course should also include a good physical relationship.

This doesn't just happen but takes effort from both of you. You really need to talk to your wife honestly and tell her how you feel about your marriage.

Marriage is hard work and both of you must make the effort to find what you once loved about each other.

If you cannot resolve this together then seek counseling. If you decide to have an affair and, as you point out, get found out it would impact not only on your spouses and children but also on extended family and friends. Both of you owe it to your families to try and rebuild your marriages.

Comments

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Thu May 23 06:27:47 SAST 2013 ::

Jan 27, 2012

pizozo

Thobalano its a duty.
Make sure gore o mo fa yona atleast 5 times a week. even if U dnt feel like it or U r tired, mo fe yona!!! Dat will solve most of your problems. And im not talking about one round, nah, im talking abt a minimum of three a night
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Jan 27, 2012

Ann

There is no reason why you should not find the magic in your marriage again.

What you must understand is that most marriages lose some of the passion as time passes. Friendship between the spouses grows stronger and this is the foundation of a good marriage but of course should also include a good physical relationship.

This doesn't just happen but takes effort from both of you. You really need to talk to your wi*fe honestly and tell her how you feel about your marriage.
-
Great advise, marriege is hard work
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Jan 27, 2012

RobinH

pizozo: Very mature and manly of you.
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Jan 27, 2012

MommaC

Oh grow up dude!
Your poor wifle is running around after two toddlers as well as working and you come with your pathetic little pity party?

Do you really believe that your wifle is happy with the status quo?

Be a loving husband, take some of the pressure off her, give her some time off, find a baby sitter for one night a week and for goodness sakes, stop being such a woosie cry baby. You are a father now.
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Jan 27, 2012

Memme

daaaaaaahh - is it not the same excuse that all married men come up when they want to cheat ??? This is simple really - You either want to fix things with your woman or you want to have an affair. You are both aduls - communicate with your wi*fe about how you feel recently and you both need to find that spark again and make your marriage work.. To me it sounds like you have not even tried to bring back that bang in your relationship instead you say you have now met someone who's alo married - nogal..

Banna always find an excuse to cheat and it will always be like that. Personally i don't see anything wrong in this marriage - you both just need to spend some quality time together without the kids around.
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Jan 27, 2012

ApelMankotsana

It is always a case that married couples who have been staying together, their spark of love will diminish. The truth of the matter is that indeed it becomes quite boring and monotonous.Do'nt go for marriage counselling...it will not for you...Try and have a nyatsi...she will keep the home fires burning.
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Jan 27, 2012

Mr.Chairman

Knock knock..
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Jan 27, 2012

maneater

hey baba how can you allow thobalano to stop, what did they teach you during your pre marital councelling. its already too late somebody wamoja mo.sadi as we speak so if i were you ne kitloja daai nyasti.
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Jan 27, 2012

pik_it_up

so now the flame is dying and you just wanna give up just like that?

nah man bring the love back it aint dead just dormant....if you love her and the kids then you will save your marriage and family
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Jan 27, 2012

tsayaya

You are just but undergoing one stage of marriage that you (both) must ensure that you pass without being tempted to have an affair. when u first met the important thing was sex. when sex was a given the next thing was marriage. after marriage the important thing is kids, school, work, day to day chores. when kids are grown up and can do little thing for themselves, the pressure will be off loaded on both of you and you'll gradually become close again. so stop your nonsense and support your w!fe. o ka rata wena ha mosad! wa gago a ka kotiwa a le frustrated?
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