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 My friends warned me against him. They said he was a player. I just wish I had listened to them, but now it is too late 

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I AM a 23-year-old woman and in love with a 27-year-old man.

We have been together for nine months. Until recently, I thought he was the most wonderful man in the world.

Four months ago, I stopped taking the pill because it was making me gain weight and often made me feel sick. I discussed this with my boyfriend and he said we would use condoms. One night, we both had too much to drink, then had sex. We did not use a condom.

Two months later, I was pregnant.

Though I was scared, I had to tell him. He was furious. He said we had always used condoms.

When I said there was the one night that we didn't, he denied it. He accused me of having sex with many men and said I should have an abortion.

He threw money in my face and said it was for the abortion. He threatened that if I didn't have an abortion, I would never see him again.

He said he already has a child who he pays maintenance for and that he could not afford another child.

I haven't told anyone that I am pregnant or that he has treated me this way.

I have never had sex with anyone else in my life so I know that this child is his.

I walked away from him and as I did, he kept screaming at me and calling me a prostitute.

He had never told me about his other child before.

He also said I deliberately fell pregnant so that he would marry me. That is not true. I have considered having children in the future, but not now when I am still studying.

I have never met any of his family or friends during our time together. This has sometimes made me feel suspicious.

I can not believe that this is the man who I loved so much.

I cannot have an abortion because I don't believe in it and I told him so.

I know that my family and friends are all going to be disappointed with me.

None of them liked him and my friends warned me against him. They said he was a player.

I just wish I had listened to them, but now it is too late.

Strangely, I still love him though I also feel a deep hatred for him. I feel so alone and desperate and I don't know what to do.

I have started to think that it would be better if I killed myself and the baby. I feel so desperate.

I need your advice. - Tormented, Kempton Park

DUDU'S WORDS OF ADVICE:

Don't be forced into doing anything that you might regret for the rest of your life.

Your boyfriend is behaving badly at a time when he should be supporting you. I understand that you care for him, but you must ask yourself how honest he is.

If he hasn't told you something as important as the fact that he has a child, then what else is he withholding from you?

What sort of man can be so cruel to someone who he supposedly loves?

You are right, it is suspicious that you have never met any of his family or friends. It seems as if you are a secret in his life.

Your family and friends could see that he was not a good person and this should have been a signal to you that you were getting involved with a lying, untrustworthy, irresponsible man.

Condoms are not completely safe and it is entirely possible that it might have broken.

There is also the one night when you did not use protection.

Your boyfriend is equally responsible for the fact that you are pregnant because you informed him of your decision to stop using the pill and you decided together to use condoms.

If you do decide to have an abortion, would you ever be able to forgive him or yourself?

This would also not be a guarantee that he would stay with you.

You really need to find the courage to tell your parents. They will be upset and disappointed, but in time, they will give you the support you need. The same goes for your friends. They all obviously love you.

It is not an option to contemplate suicide. You would destroy all the people who love you. You will get through this.

It won't be easy being a single parent, but many people do it successfully.

When you are feeling low, please contact Lifeline at 011-715-2000, to speak to someone who will not judge you and will help you through the tough times when you feel like giving up.

Good luck.

Comments

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Wed Jun 19 00:11:52 SAST 2013 ::

Nov 18, 2011

MommaC

???? you don't believe in abortion but you believe in murdering yourself AND your baby ????

Good gods woman. You are 23 and should have known better. You NEVER play grown up games without taking grown up precautions and if you don't take grown up precautions then you live with the grown up consequences. There are various forms of contraceptive pill out there so weight gain from one (probably progesterone only) could have been overcome easily.

Either get an abortion or get your head around the idea that the life growing inside of you is now the single most important thing in the world. For the rest of your life, it has to be your child's best interests that you focus on and your feelings / needs / life is a secondary consideration.
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Nov 18, 2011

WarrenG

Then don't have one. Simple. Deal with it. Stop crying and grow up. Have a baby and grow up some more. Then visit the lady in Limpopo who has 17 kids and get some advice. Easy.
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Nov 18, 2011

Dinamanama

My sister this guy cant force you to have abortion,dont even think of killing yourself becuase it doesnt solve the situation.Your family and friends will give the support,i mean you are still young.
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Nov 18, 2011

Charmaboy

I also do not believe in abortion. I think it's murder. Sound like a nice lady who is being taken for granted by this stupid boyfriend, we are looking for those who are not cheaters like her and now this is happening to her. Stupid boyfriend...
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Nov 18, 2011

PAPALETHABO

True or False.

Most women would still be childless if it wasn't for that early and unplanned pregnancy.
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Nov 18, 2011

DjEp

its scary how women blame it on men for not using a condom, this is a two way traffic. lady you SHOULD have also used a condom. a man is not an angel what you feel we also feel. i hate to read such articles where tha blame seems to be on men, where were your morals, firstly why did you drink like a fish. A baby is two people's responsibility if he cannot support the child then go on support the kid.
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Nov 18, 2011

RobinH

Papalethabo. Not only false but downright insulting to women. Shame on you.

Young lady, having a baby by a man who behaves this way and was not entirely honest about his history (thereby proving that he not only screws around, but does so irresponsibly) would be a huge mistake. He is already treating you like some discarded toy. Think how much worse this will be once he finds that you are dependent on him. Have an abortion. Ignore the religious rants. If you do believe in God, consider that the Christian concept of God is one of mercy and forgiveness. Do what is best for you and your life. Do NOT be guided by someone else's fantasy. Good luck.
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Nov 18, 2011

Catswhiskers

NOT stupid boyfriend, stupid girl. This has been happening since kingdom come. Some men, our president included, have several children with several different mothers. A man I work with is paying maintenance to three different women!
Its the women who must wake up and smell the coffee. If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.
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Nov 18, 2011

LBS

Hmmm so early and already there are fairly harsh comments.

There is only one person that you can trust in life and that is yourself.
Your boyfriend is obviously an untrustworthy wimp and a coward who was prepared to have the pleasure of sex but not take the responsibility supporting a baby if things went wrong.
Calling you names is disgusting and doesn't absolve him from his obligations.

Walk away from him - tell your family and they will in time accept and support you and the child.
Your (hopefully ex) will have to pay child support whether he likes it or not. Have a paternity test and make him pay. It's the right thing to do.
Having an abortion is not an option and thinking of killing yourself a desperate cry for help. Get it!
Oh, and a final piece of advice - NO MORE SEX unless you have taken all the precautions necessary to prevent pregnancy now or in the future.
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Nov 18, 2011

tpaz

go fcuk yourself...girls like you make us look dumb.
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