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 When I was 15, I was raped at a party. I have told my boyfriend that I am a virgin and not ready to have sex yet, and he has respected this. Should I tell him the truth? 

He knows everything about me and my family except for one secret that I have never told anyone. When I was 15, I was raped at a party. I believe someone spiked my drink because I was not drinking alcohol, but I lost consciousness. When I woke up, I realised that I had been raped.

I was too scared to tell anyone because my parents had forbidden me to go to the party and I sneaked out. I didn't even tell my best friend because I thought she would be angry with me and that she might tell other people.

It was so difficult to cope with this on my own. I was scared that I would fall pregnant. It was the worst time of my life.

My boyfriend and I have never discussed our sexual pasts and I don't know whether to tell him.

I have told him that I am a virgin and not ready to have sex yet and he has respected this.

I am too scared to tell anyone because I might be judged.

This makes me so depressed because I feel as if I have to carry this with me for the rest of my life. I start to question why I am being punished. What have I done in my life that was so bad?

I love my boyfriend so much and I don't want to lose him.

But I also feel that if I told him, I would be able to put this behind me once and for all.

Should I tell him the truth? Sad and Scared, Braamfontein

DUDU RESPONDS:

I am so sorry that you have suffered on your own.

Only you can make the decision whether to tell your boyfriend or not. I think you should consider telling him the truth because you are already telling him lies and this is not a foundation for a successful relationship.

I understand your concerns that he might leave you, but there is the possibility that he cares about you enough not to leave you.

If you decide to tell him, then you need to listen to each other's concerns and respect each other's feelings.

You have never discussed the rape with anyone and in spite of the fact that it happened a couple of years ago, you must consider speaking to a counsellor.

If you discuss it with your boyfriend, it might bring up a lot of feelings and emotions that you might have suppressed because of the trauma.

You are right, it is time to put the past behind you and it will be easier if this is done with the assistance of a counsellor.

I am sure there is help at the university or you can contact People Opposing Woman Abuse (Powa) on 011-642-4345.

You have been on your own with this burden for long enough.

Take the power into your own hands so that you can look forward to the future.

Comments

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Sat May 25 18:44:50 SAST 2013 ::

Sep 30, 2011

Bodigelo

"Hurt him with the truth rather than comforting him lies"
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Sep 30, 2011

Laface

Tell him if you love him. He will support you if he loves you.
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Sep 30, 2011

Reyataz

Deal with this ASAP and move on. If not, it will forever hold you hostage. You should be open about it and go around telling teenagers to take care of themselves and listen to their parents!
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Sep 30, 2011

KhosanXX

@dudu

Please advise the girl to become a nun as her entire marriage and/or future relationships will be affected by the rape as she is not prepared to move and accept as a bad dream.
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Sep 30, 2011

If you want things to be forever awkward between the two of you, tell him, I say take that secret to the grave with you. The truth is not always the best.
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Sep 30, 2011

Sizwe_M

To DUdu and Laface. As someone who has dated a person with unresolved emotional issues before; love does not justify being used as a spring board for emotional issues which you had nothing in creating. I had to understand and endure verbal abuse, fragility(emotional), sudden mood swings and of course no intimacy, all because I loved a person who did not love themselves enough to either deal with it or get help! So if you love your boyfriend girl be honest with him so he can know what to expect from you (its not only about what he can do for you!), how fair is it for him to inherit a bruised and yes "damaged" person when he had no cause in it? Its not fair on him either, if you want him then have the decency to be honest with him. Imagine if he had three children out there and his excuse for not telling you was I thought you wouldn't want me!? He needs to know what he is getting into so he can make the decision for himself and not be conned into a relationship which he will later be forced to remain in it or leave, knowing fully well that he will be expected to remain in it, a relationship that was not honest from inception!
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Sep 30, 2011

Eraser

i would say 1st get proffesional to deal with ur depression..secrets have a way of comming out one day or another..tell them him the truth for u to be free and tel ur parents as well cause u need all the support for in case he doesn't support.


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Sep 30, 2011

TjoVtjo

@ TheLegend

I agree with you on this one. He might spend the rest of his life trying to 'save' her from the next potential rapist, whicch is also going to add to the awkardness of the relationship. I say keep quite and move on.

@ Sizwe_M

don't you think that by telling him, she places a burden on him to contnuall deal with those very mood swings, and verbal abuse. After all he would then be expected to understand given that he knows about the incident? Perhaps she needs to point out that she's not a virgin, and leave it at that.
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Sep 30, 2011

Preacher

What have I done in my life that was so bad?
*******************************
Foolish girl asking what she has done in her life that is so bad. The bad thing you did in your life was that at fifteen, you disobeyed your parents and sneaked out to a party they told you not to got to. At the party, you drank alcohol knowing fully well you were not supposed to since you were under-age. Now you want to burden that young man with the baggage of your sins. Don't tell him you were raped because that is what you wanted. The noble thing to do is to terminate that relationship with him and got to parties, drink alcohol to your content and sleep around as much as you like. If you defied your parents at fifteen, what advice will you ever take?

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Sep 30, 2011

Uhuru

Sizwe – M, I liked your comment.
Is the first time I see U here, U must please comment more. There is often a shortage of people who make sense on this forum.

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