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 You don't need to blame yourself and carry the burden of your husband having an affair 

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Even though they still work together, he assures me that the affair has ended.

I was devastated. I did not expect this at all. As far as I was concerned, our marriage was perfect. Sometimes we argue, but for the most part I thought we were both happy.

Now all we seem to do is fight. I have told him to leave, but he refuses. He says that he still loves me.

I have suggested that we go for counselling, but he says we can work this out ourselves. I don't see how this will be possible because I now cannot believe a word he says.

I do still love him because he is an amazing person, but I am confused as to what I really want.

At the moment, I don't want to see him and I don't want him near me.

I have suggested that we should separate and that I should go back home.

He says that this would be unfair because it will turn all our lives upside down. He also says that he does not want our families to know about this.

I don't know what to do, Dudu. I feel as if my life is in ruins and my heart is broken in a million pieces.

What did I do wrong that he could treat me this way?

How can we possibly put this all back together again? Hurt and Confused Wife, Bedfordview

Dudu responds,

I am so sorry that this has happened to you and I can only imagine how betrayed and hurt you are feeling.

You don't need to blame yourself and carry the burden of your husband having an affair.

Sometimes, married couples get so caught up in day-to-day life, working and bringing up children that they forget to connect with each other.

Marriage is hard work and it does not just fall into place.

This is no excuse, however, for him having an affair.

If he felt there were problems in your marriage, he should have discussed it with you.

Although you might not be able to see it now, it is possible to recover and both of you will hopefully learn valuable lessons.

One of the problems in marriages is that couples start taking each other for granted and this leads to neglect of the marriage. This is when the marriage becomes vulnerable.

You need to sit down with your husband and tell him exactly how you feel and what you need in order to save your marriage.

Speak honestly and openly to him, even if it might hurt him deeply.

If you don't tell him about your feelings it could cause problems in your relationship later on.

He must assure you that he no longer has contact with the woman whom he had the affair with.

There is no time limit on how long it will take you to get over this but he must be patient with you and take your feelings seriously.

He has already turned your lives upside down so if you feel that you want to return home and then try and sort out your marriage, he will have to respect that.

If you decide that you want to confide in a family member or friend then he will also have to respect your decision.

If you feel that the only way forward is to go for counselling then insist that this is the only way that you will consider staying with him.

For the sake of your child and the fact that you still care about each other, you need to try everything to save your marriage.

Comments

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Tue May 21 09:21:10 SAST 2013 ::

Jun 24, 2011

tpaz

why are you making it a big issue. He said sorry and even confessed. Suck it up....but if he does it the 3rd time ....kick him.

This counseling and family thing complicates simply issues. deal with it alone.
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Jun 24, 2011

candilious

In my book if he cheated once its bound to happen again.My advise love is to leave i know you love him his your everything,but just think for a second if you stay on the condition of your baby that marriage is doomed already.You can never use a child to keep a man that would be the down fall of your misery.
It might sound easy for me to say leave the bastard its going to be tough but u will not be the 1st nor the last to be alone.Have some self respect as he betrayed you trust,love,honesty.Which i feel you will get it back.

If i were in your shoes i would leave him in a drop.I have no time for bastards like that.As woman we multi task,we are dependant and strong.So lady luv there is more fish in the sea for you to have.Some1 out there is looking to luv you and you to luv in return.

I cannot take a cheating man been there done that.Came out Vitoriously never give a man the satisfaction of him making you and breaking you...................Be proud of who u are ,and what you stand for.
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Jun 24, 2011

SfisoH

we as man get tempted easily,its not tht he dosn't love u or u doing something wrong its just the weakness in us,the fact tht he confessed u should know tht he real loves u and hes willing to change
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Jun 24, 2011

tpaz

@candilious...she will meet a man who cheats even more .....then what ? 4 kids with different dads.
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Jun 24, 2011

Memme

We all have this little voice at the back of our heads that's always tells us what to do or not to do...

Once a man cheats, the posibility of him doing over again are very high. If he can cheat while you believed taht everything was perfect at home then that is the problem. The thing with us women is that we allow them to do these things by saying " i forgive but don't do it again" guess what he is going to do it again, my advise to you is follow your heart and do what is right for you, for a moment just forget about the other person and focus on you. You ladies need to take care of your precious hearts. If he loved you he wouldn't have done that but you see MEN are like that, Rather be single and happy and free that being married while you are not happy and hurt.

Life is all about choices...
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Jun 24, 2011

Cuteycool

@SfisoH, you spoke like a real man. But there is no excuse for cheating. If he really loved her he wouldnt have looked nor cheated on her. This lady must move on with her life. Dump the bastard.
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Jun 24, 2011

Princess2Adora

Good morning Bloggerz
xoxoxoxoxoxo

Wen 1 cheats der is sumthng da ada is not doing nd its not alwys abt sex,probably da ada part is busy wit ada things nd gvs less attention 2 da ada part!!!!!!!

He said he's sori yes bt evn tho do u thing da ada woman wil jst sit bck if she had njoyd da machine......................I dnt think so,sit him down nd ask him whr u went rong nd u cn talk if frm der.....................Family bad move da 3rd person neva solves anything bt makes matters worse!!!!!!!!!

I dnt evn knw way u crying cus u justifying urslf on da ada hand.....................If u dasnt hit u or stop providing 4u,u hv nothing 2 lose!!!!!!
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Jun 24, 2011

papamasentlelebonolo

Make him see the importance of you guys going for counselling cause i thing it would help to speak to someone about it and give him an ultimatum its either you for counselling go or he goes
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Jun 24, 2011

Ann

no marriage is perfect my dear. and its not first time he does this and definately not the last time,

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Jun 24, 2011

Vandal

This will happen all the time, wether she stays or not...yes men do cheat its a weakness, flirt right right the we going to take that wrong turn.

to all the women who say she should leave...be honest to yourselves...are you going to jump ship all the time your man cheats...we call the a wh*re... its not different from a gosha mos.
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