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Parents playing favourites: Paying more attention to sibling causes 'forgotten child syndrome'

Parents must remember other children in their care. / Istock
Parents must remember other children in their care. / Istock

Child pageant queen JonBenet Ramsey was six years old when she was murdered by an alleged intruder in 1996 at her home in Colorado, US.

What stands out about the story was how her brother, Burke, who was nine years old at the time, became one of the suspects police focused on.

The reason? They speculated that Burke suffered from "forgotten child syndrome", which is rage and jealousy over a sibling receiving more attention from parents than them.

Friends and family said Jon Benet was always showered with affection and attention by her parents, and was the glorified child because of all her beauty pageant wins, which may have led to Burke snapping on the fateful night.

But is the forgotten child syndrome real?

Educational psychologist Sicelo Simelane says that although there is no official term, it is a reality, and comes from parents playing favourites.

"We see it a lot in families who have one child who is the 'star' of the family. They may be more academically brilliant, or showing promise as a footballer or even in music. This gets exacerbated when the child becomes famous or popular either on television or in popular culture.

"I do not think parents do it consciously, but you do find that they spend more time preoccupied with the star child's costumes, their television appearances, and driving their child to auditions or castings.

"The other child may initially feel happy for their sibling but, over time, they may start to feel neglected, especially if their time is often shortened or they are not given any attention to. They in turn feel that they are not special enough, not talented enough or have nothing to offer. Parents may think that their other children do not notice, butthey do."

Simelane says that this sense of being forgotten can continue into adulthood, and may manifest in an angry and aggressive adult. "Feelings of inadequacy usually stem from childhood, and you may find that the child grows up to have a low self-esteem, increased aggression and has a lot of resentment and built-up anger.

"Parents who have a child who is doing well need to keep a balance. Although it can be hard, they need to also remember that they have other children in their care who also want their attention and love.

"It is also the responsibility of the parent to uncover all their children's talents, and embrace them. If the one child is a great singer, find out what your other child's passion is, and put as much effort and time into nourishing that talent and passion too."

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