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That old cheat not better second-time around

File photo
File photo

Is it true that someone can love you so wrong that you find yourself wishing to go back to some of your worst former lovers?

I was catching up with a friend over the festive season when we went over the important M-word, which is money.

We both quickly decided to move on to the next M-item on the agenda, that is men, when we realised that we were technically broke, save for our credit cards giving us a false sense of security, and thus did not have much to elaborate on when it came to money.

And so we tackled men!

This year, my friend decided to place the men issue as her most important resolution.

I was fascinated, though, by her wistful reminiscing of her previous lover as she was busy telling me why she had decided to throw in the towel on a four-year relationship because the man she had been seeing was emotionally vacant and unavailable.

"Ben has frozen me out of the most important aspects of his life for far too long chomi. I'm tired, I deserve so much more. Ke mo tlhadile [I have dumped him].

"The other day I was busy sipping my glass of wine and found myself thinking about Thabo fondly," she said.

Now, both of us know that the reasons why she moved on from Thabo those years back were not only valid but absolutely necessary for her sanity and dignity.

Even though Thabo was loving and considerate, he was a lying cheat.

He was married and had strung her along for over two years, coming up with many excuses on why he was not filing for divorce from his wife.

After my friend realised that she was being taken for a ride, she finally reclaimed her dignity and cut him off, and I was proud of her.

But over festive season sundowners, all my friend could remember as she tried to compare her former lovers was how Thabo was such a loving, caring person and one of the best men she had dated.

Having been the spectator of this unfolding affair with all its dramas, my file on Thabo was littered with problems, and that is why she had to reclaim herself by letting him go as he was never hers to have.

On her side, however, after being starved of love, affection and attention by this emotionally deficient man she had been seeing, she has somehow erased the bad memories that had plagued her during her illicit affair with Thabo.

And this is where being a true friend requires that you tell the truth even when it hurts.

I had to remind her about all the sneaking around and how that used to reduce her to tears. I told her about that time when they had planned to celebrate her birthday and booked into a five-star hotel for the weekend in Mpumalanga only for Thabo's young daughter to accidentally drink petrol on the very Friday they had just checked into the hideaway in Hazyview.

His frantic wife legitimately called her husband, demanding that Thabo excuse himself from the alleged conference he had gone to so that they could both be at their daughter's bedside.

This happened before the couple could even christen the wide four-poster bed in that romantic hotel room whose windows overlooked a river. They had to quickly pack their bags and speedily check out so that Thabo could go and perform his fatherly duties.

She had told me how the silent trip back from Mpumalanga haunted her for months afterwards. And that was the last straw for her, besides having had to tolerate a lot of lies and sneaking around.

Today I had another tough love to give her by telling her that just because someone does not love you the way you need to be loved, it does not make the previous devil any less evil.

I am not sure if my sober analysis was well received though, what with her recently having reconnected with Thabo on Facebook and seemingly poised to flirt with the same danger again?

"It's all harmless chomi," she answered when I warned her about her actions. As we sipped away on our piña coladas, I saw a strange, faraway look on her face - I guess time will tell.

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