×

We've got news for you.

Register on SowetanLIVE at no cost to receive newsletters, read exclusive articles & more.
Register now

Sexting is good if done right

EASY FLIRTING: Sexting can spice up your sex life or ruin relationships if it is not done properly PHOTO: Weekend Post
EASY FLIRTING: Sexting can spice up your sex life or ruin relationships if it is not done properly PHOTO: Weekend Post

The concept of sexting is not really a new one.

In fact, it has been around since the beginning of the SMS era when people wanted to be saucy and spice up their love lives.

Sexting has however also received a lot of backlash, with young, underage girls primed to get into sexting with older men and making themselves vulnerable to predators.

But, when it comes to mature, responsible and consenting adults, sexting has received the nod from many sexologists as being a fun, flirty way to sensually communicate with one's partner.

It can in fact enhance one's love life, according to sexologist Norah Raseleka.

That is, if you know how to do it properly.

"Sexting can be a very erotic exercise for people in relationships. The anticipation of sending something kinky and awaiting a reply is usually a big turn-on for some people.

"The only thing most people struggle with is how to go about sexting, because it is not as simple as we might think, and there are important factors to keep in mind," Raseleka says.

So, can things go wrong during sexting?

To find out, we spoke to people who know of sexting horrors that made for embarrassing outcomes.

Kelebogile* says she knows a friend who sexted her boss and faced a disciplinary hearing as a result.

"I guess she thought by being nice, her boss was responding well to her advances, so she decided to take it up a notch and sext him.

"Well, he was not chuffed, and instead she was in big trouble at work and faced a disciplinary hearing. It was mortifying."

Which brings us to Raseleka's four sexting no-no's:

- DO NOT SEXT ANYONE AT WORK

"Most workplaces are very stringent about sexual advances made towards colleagues and, if the colleague complains, one can get dismissed for sexual harassment," Raseleka says.

"If any sexting is going to happen between colleagues, it needs to be mutual, meaning you must make sure that you and the colleague are on equal flirting ground."

Sophia Mhlanga, a store clerk from Umlazi in KZN, says she is ashamed to admit this, but she once sexted a guy who did not reply, leaving her with egg on her face.

"He was pursuing me and we had been flirting casually. One day I decided while taking a bath, to take a few pics and forward them to him on Whatsapp. I asked him: 'Do you want to join me?' He did not reply. In fact, I never heard from him again. I think I scared him off," she says.

- TEST THE WATERS FIRST

"You can't just sprint to sext someone without having gauged their thoughts about sexting first, even if it is your partner. It's important to test the waters first.

"How about sending something like 'what are you wearing', then gradually building on that, depending on how they react?

"Starting out with a hectic sext like a bat out of hell can repel some people, leaving you with an overwhelming feeling of rejection."

- BE CAREFUL OF SEXTING A STRANGER

"If you have ever watched the television show Catfish, you would know that not everyone you meet online is who they say they are."

Raseleka advises that if you meet someone through one of the social networks, make sure to meet them in person first before proceeding to sext with them.

"You do not want to find out that you are sexting a serial killer, or worse, a 12-year-old kid."

 - ALWAYS DOUBLE-CHECK THE NUMBER OF THE PERSON YOU ARE SEXTING

"This can be beyond embarrassing. If you have stored the same names on your phone, double check that you are sending to the correct name. Imagine how mortifying it would be accidentally sending a racy message to your pastor."

Raseleka says the main disadvantage of sexting is emotional infidelity.

"It can be devastating for one in a relationship to find out their partner has been sexting someone else.

" The guilty party often retorts by saying 'but we never had sex, it was just sexting' - forgetting that the betrayal is the same.

"People need to get this; if you are in a relationship and sexting someone else, it is cheating."

* Not her real name

Tips to turn your phone into a sex toy

NORA Raseleka, a qualified sexologist, shares these 10 tips for those who want to sext, but are too shy or do not know where to begin.

- Relax. Being too nervous will only make your texts come across as sloppy. Take a deep breath and go for it.

- Send a tease. Describe how you are feeling, and what you are longing for. Reminisce (if you have been intimate before) about a particular moment you liked. Example: "Thinking about you. Missing how you kiss my neck."

- Wait for a response. If it's cold, or there's a change of topic, do not proceed. Sexting is not for everyone, and your recipient might not be keen to play along. Respect that.

- If the response is positive, share a bit more. Describe a fantasy you have, and how they would feature in it. Prefix a lot of your statements with "I wish you would . "

- Do not be cryptic. Be as direct and descriptive as possible and do not leave any room for ambiguity.

- Do not be vulgar. This can put some people off. Avoid the use of the F-word, unless you and your partner are accustomed to communicating like that.

- Purposely take a bit longer to respond. The suspense and anticipation will be an extreme turn-on.

- Ask questions. Engage your recipient. "What would you like?", for example. This will show that you care about their feelings.

- Send a picture. Do not be too explicit, though. Just send a tease, like a shot of your leg, and leave your partner wanting more.

- Follow up. Do not be a tease. If you tell your partner how you cannot wait to get home and do such and such, do it.

Would you like to comment on this article?
Register (it's quick and free) or sign in now.

Speech Bubbles

Please read our Comment Policy before commenting.