IT'S one of those questions that can crop up any time in your relationship: "How many people have you had sex with before you met me?"

It's one of those questions, depending on one's sensibilities, that could either intrigue your partner or ruin a relationship.

For conservative partners who will judge you by the number of people you have been with, if your answer falls in the double digits it could make them run for the hills.

But no matter how damaging the consequences are, people still love to ask their partners this question.

It could be an attempt to build trust in a relationship, or it could be that couples want to be open about their past and don't want to have any secrets between them.

Should the number of people you have had sex with in the past make a difference in your current relationship?

Tshepiso*, 26, says it's the worst idea to introduce into your relationship.

"My ex-boyfriend and I decided to share this information with each other and I regret it. It's not something I would do again or recommend to anyone," she says.

She says as soon as she was honest about her past, things between them changed immediately and she could feel that he had begun to regard her differently after learning about the number of men she had been with.

"Even though he had been with more people than I had, he initially thought my number was smaller, and I think he was just shocked that he was wrong," she said.

Tshepiso says they decided to share their "sex numbers" with each other because they felt it would strengthen their relationship.

"We were madly in love and we decided we could share this and not have any secrets from each other. That's the kind of relationship we were aiming for."

She said it backfired spectacularly and the first time they broke up he used this knowledge against her to try and demean her.

"When we first broke up he suspected me of cheating and said he already knew I was a loose woman. He (said he) didn't know why I would be any different with him," she added with a rueful look.

Although they were able to patch things up, they ultimately decided that their relationship would not work.

"I learnt from that experience not to ever share this with anyone, not even my closest friend. Even if someone happens to tell me their number, I always think they're lying. They make their number smaller because they don't want to be judged," she said.

Elijah Padi, a relationship expert based in Johannesburg, says sharing this kind of information is a personal preference and there is no right or wrong answer about whether it should be shared.

"The first question you need to ask is why they want to know. If they are asking out of insecurity, then it is a bad idea to share," he says.

He says if the person is asking to know what they are getting themselves into, then perhaps it is a valid question to ask.

"However, there should be an element of maturity when asking such a question. You cannot then bring it up during an argument. If I tell you this information, I need to be able to trust that you won't use it against me later," he says.

Padi recalls a client who was about to marry a man whom she found out was HIV positive.

"After further investigating, she found out that he had only had two partners in his life.

"The last one was his wife, who cheated on him and infected him with the disease, which led to their divorce. Because he was so honest about the information, she decided to marry him, Padi explains.

He says instead of insisting on knowing the sex number, people should always insist on a HIV test.

"If you are mature enough to handle it, then you can ask. It actually doesn't add any value to a relationship. Some things are better left behind."

His advice is to avoid it if you can because, he says, most times people lie anyway.

nkosin@sowetan.co.za