AS WOMEN, it's important to understand that there are men out there who see our inner beauty and want to kill it.

They will use our naivety to systematically destroy our ability to love or trust any other man. This they do deliberately, to isolate us.

When you are with them, they will undermine your power as a woman so that you don't see it. Their mission is to destroy your capacity to love.

The big lies that these men tell are enough to leave you breathless.

They are willing to lie to you in an attempt to keep you hooked. But don't be fooled.

When you see through them and discover their true colours and just move on, realise that these kind of men are worthless losers who did not deserve you.

Now you've found someone new who surpasses your highest expectations in every way, someone who makes you want to cry randomly because you can't believe how happy he makes you.

It is at this time that you begin to feel the effects, having been in a relationship with the kind of men I have described.

Having given your heart away before and been disappointed - depending on the extent of the damage - you will hold back, always wanting to be in control of the way you feel and never fully letting go to experience the greatest feeling of love imaginable: courtesy of your new man.

But rather than doing any good, your holding back ends up hurting the man who really loves you and that you are coming to love.

If this is you, it is important to face your fears and dare to love with no reservations. Trust your new man with your heart. Don't punish him for the bad guy's sins.

When you are embroiled in the pain that your ex lover caused you, it is difficult to see that those men have issues.

Through investigation, insight and experience I have realised that men who feel they need to put women down have deep levels of insecurity.

Yes, even the successful, confident-looking type. But they will never admit to these insecurities, especially not to the women they love who see them as strong and invincible.

The attempts of these men to bring you down and prevent you from seeing your true potential is born out of the fear that once you realise your worth, you will leave them. They don't want to lose your love and want you to depend on them.

Their behaviour is unacceptable, but it is driven by insecurity. The worst thing about this is that it is not something experienced by some men, but by the majority of men.

If their insecurities get the better of them, the chances are they will start acting up.

We women have a role to play to curb men's insecurities.

We need to affirm the men in our lives. We need to affirm their worth and let them know that they are invaluable and that we need them.

We need to do this consistently and sincerely.

As women we must never take it for granted that our men know, assuming that they are confident enough and don't need our affirmation.

So the next time you have a fight with your man and decide you don't need him and you're going to show him, think of the repercussions of your actions and be wise. Don't do it.

lMbeki is chief executive officer of Cinga Uhlume Communications, a women's rights activist, a columnist and a political analyst

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