HAVING children out of wedlock, living together without getting married and a boy entering his girlfriend's home without her parents' permission are some modern-day practices that are viewed by many as the genesis of moral decay in our communities.
How do young people in relationships balance modernity and culture? Are the practices a symptom of a changing society or should we just go back to our roots to reclaim our cultural values?
"The good in the world is finished. Going back to our roots now will not work for us. Following tradition is not easy for the current generation," says 86-year-old Zion priest Ben Radebe, cautioning that modernity has eroded our culture.
Most elders are uncomfortable with the way young couples conduct relationships today.
Radebe says young people are not to blame because times have changed, but he laments that Zulu traditions are being discarded.
"In courtship during the dynasty period a man would be given a date on which a couple would get married and if he did not comply he would be killed. It was simply illegal to live together before marriage.
"A future wife was not allowed to see other men. She belonged to her partner and if she broke the law her family would have to pay a penalty fee," Radebe explains.
When a woman became pregnant out of wedlock her partner had to assume responsibility, he says.
"The man would have to pay three cows as a fine. One cow was for cleansing the woman's home, the second was for ruining the girl's name and the third was for the community leader who was sent to report the news to the king," Radebe says.
If the man wanted to marry the woman after impregnating her, ilobola negotiations would proceed, but he still had to pay the fine.
If a couple wanted to move in together and not get married , the father of the young man had to help shoulder the responsibility, he says.
"As a father I had to watch my son. If he liked a girl I would approach her family. Once our families agreed, the couple could get married," Radebe says.
In a sense, this was the promise of ilobolo.
Since Africans have stopped practising these customs, how do young people conduct their relationships and what values and customs are guiding them?
Nomonde Gubevu, 20, and Modisi Mogudi, 24, are the parents of nine- month-old Kgolukile Gubevu and they live together at Mogudi's family home in Soweto.
Gubevu fell pregnant at 19. She was just out of school and went into hiding at Mogudi's house for a week after telling her disappointed mother.
"We had everything we needed, but I had to sneak in and out of the bathroom. Eventually he told his mother and luckily I was allowed to stay," Gubevu says.
The two families met for discussions, which resulted in a lot of fighting and finger-pointing. According to the Gubevu family, who are Xhosas, Modisi had to write a letter stating his intentions about his girlfriend and the child.
"In fact, the only way I can communicate with Nomonde's family, even today, is through letters," Sepedi-speaking Mogudi says.
Gubevu adds: "My family was angry at the wrong people. I understood how they felt, but it was unfair to blame Modisi's parents. Relations between our two families fell apart."
Mogudi's family was calm, but pulled back due to the blaming.
The Gubevus refused to pay the pregnancy fine, saying that if Mogudi paid it meant he accepts the child but not the mother.
Gubevu says the pregnancy and the customary prescriptions on their relationship was a challenge.
"I felt stuck after giving birth. When I was living at home I had freedom, now I have to report everything. I feel like one of the kids in the family now, yet I am a grown-up," she says.
Regarding ilobola, Mogudi says : "If you do not have money you cannot get a wifed. To my understanding, ilobola is meant to help a wife's family because a man always supports his wife anyway."
Mogudi intends to marry Gubevu when the time is right and when he can afford to.
"Marriage is spiritual, a union of two spirits, not how much you can pay," he says.
The couple say they want to prove that young love really does exist and they will make a success of it.
Mogudi is an insurance salesman and Gubevu a creative director.
"We have made mistakes and have gone through a lot of pain, but we have learnt to appreciate one another and we are together," he says.
When they are ready to get married, they say, they will do so the traditional way for the sake of everyone's sanity.
Psychiatrist Remesie Koka says value systems have changed.
"Marriage is no longer valued as in the past. Family structures have been destroyed, resulting in step-children, single parents and teenage pregnancy," she says.
Koka says that religious beliefs and African spirituality were other elements causing the break-up of families.
She says the media promotes these "values" and instability.
"Today's generation is very unstable. A week after getting married a couple starts fighting and grow apart. Marriages do not last any more," Koka says.
Wallin Mabasa, 26, and Linda Ngcobo, 28, who have a four-year- old daughter and live at Ngcobo's family home, chose to do things the traditional way. Ngcobo is Zulu and Mabasa is Setsonga-speaking.
Mabasa only moved in last December, after Ngcobo paid half the ilobola. When Mabasa became pregnant, she went to Ngcobo's home with her aunt and a church member to discuss the pregnancy fine.
"The meeting did not even take half an hour. I acknowledged and took responsibility for my actions. Wallin has been my wife from the first day. My plan had always been to marry her," Ngcobo says.
"I wrote a letter to Wallin's family stating that my family would like to build relations with their family. A date was set by her family and they wrote back.
"I did research on Tsonga people and bought all the relevant gifts. I ran short of money, but there were no problems ," Ngcobo says proudly.
The couple believes that old traditions help them to stay together.
"With the process comes introductions to ancestors and slaughtering for sacrifice. We are now stuck together," he says.
They have been together for six years. Mabasa is an information technology graduate, but also a stay-at-home mother and wife, while Ngcobo is a personal assistant.
This couple have found a perfect way to marry traditional and modern values.
- monnakgotlam@sowetan.co.za
Old-fashioned or with it?
HAVING children out of wedlock, living together without getting married and a boy entering his girlfriend's home without her parents' permission are some modern-day practices that are viewed by many as the genesis of moral decay in our communities.
How do young people in relationships balance modernity and culture? Are the practices a symptom of a changing society or should we just go back to our roots to reclaim our cultural values?
"The good in the world is finished. Going back to our roots now will not work for us. Following tradition is not easy for the current generation," says 86-year-old Zion priest Ben Radebe, cautioning that modernity has eroded our culture.
Most elders are uncomfortable with the way young couples conduct relationships today.
Radebe says young people are not to blame because times have changed, but he laments that Zulu traditions are being discarded.
"In courtship during the dynasty period a man would be given a date on which a couple would get married and if he did not comply he would be killed. It was simply illegal to live together before marriage.
"A future wife was not allowed to see other men. She belonged to her partner and if she broke the law her family would have to pay a penalty fee," Radebe explains.
When a woman became pregnant out of wedlock her partner had to assume responsibility, he says.
"The man would have to pay three cows as a fine. One cow was for cleansing the woman's home, the second was for ruining the girl's name and the third was for the community leader who was sent to report the news to the king," Radebe says.
If the man wanted to marry the woman after impregnating her, ilobola negotiations would proceed, but he still had to pay the fine.
If a couple wanted to move in together and not get married , the father of the young man had to help shoulder the responsibility, he says.
"As a father I had to watch my son. If he liked a girl I would approach her family. Once our families agreed, the couple could get married," Radebe says.
In a sense, this was the promise of ilobolo.
Since Africans have stopped practising these customs, how do young people conduct their relationships and what values and customs are guiding them?
Nomonde Gubevu, 20, and Modisi Mogudi, 24, are the parents of nine- month-old Kgolukile Gubevu and they live together at Mogudi's family home in Soweto.
Gubevu fell pregnant at 19. She was just out of school and went into hiding at Mogudi's house for a week after telling her disappointed mother.
"We had everything we needed, but I had to sneak in and out of the bathroom. Eventually he told his mother and luckily I was allowed to stay," Gubevu says.
The two families met for discussions, which resulted in a lot of fighting and finger-pointing. According to the Gubevu family, who are Xhosas, Modisi had to write a letter stating his intentions about his girlfriend and the child.
"In fact, the only way I can communicate with Nomonde's family, even today, is through letters," Sepedi-speaking Mogudi says.
Gubevu adds: "My family was angry at the wrong people. I understood how they felt, but it was unfair to blame Modisi's parents. Relations between our two families fell apart."
Mogudi's family was calm, but pulled back due to the blaming.
The Gubevus refused to pay the pregnancy fine, saying that if Mogudi paid it meant he accepts the child but not the mother.
Gubevu says the pregnancy and the customary prescriptions on their relationship was a challenge.
"I felt stuck after giving birth. When I was living at home I had freedom, now I have to report everything. I feel like one of the kids in the family now, yet I am a grown-up," she says.
Regarding ilobola, Mogudi says : "If you do not have money you cannot get a wifed. To my understanding, ilobola is meant to help a wife's family because a man always supports his wife anyway."
Mogudi intends to marry Gubevu when the time is right and when he can afford to.
"Marriage is spiritual, a union of two spirits, not how much you can pay," he says.
The couple say they want to prove that young love really does exist and they will make a success of it.
Mogudi is an insurance salesman and Gubevu a creative director.
"We have made mistakes and have gone through a lot of pain, but we have learnt to appreciate one another and we are together," he says.
When they are ready to get married, they say, they will do so the traditional way for the sake of everyone's sanity.
Psychiatrist Remesie Koka says value systems have changed.
"Marriage is no longer valued as in the past. Family structures have been destroyed, resulting in step-children, single parents and teenage pregnancy," she says.
Koka says that religious beliefs and African spirituality were other elements causing the break-up of families.
She says the media promotes these "values" and instability.
"Today's generation is very unstable. A week after getting married a couple starts fighting and grow apart. Marriages do not last any more," Koka says.
Wallin Mabasa, 26, and Linda Ngcobo, 28, who have a four-year- old daughter and live at Ngcobo's family home, chose to do things the traditional way. Ngcobo is Zulu and Mabasa is Setsonga-speaking.
Mabasa only moved in last December, after Ngcobo paid half the ilobola. When Mabasa became pregnant, she went to Ngcobo's home with her aunt and a church member to discuss the pregnancy fine.
"The meeting did not even take half an hour. I acknowledged and took responsibility for my actions. Wallin has been my wife from the first day. My plan had always been to marry her," Ngcobo says.
"I wrote a letter to Wallin's family stating that my family would like to build relations with their family. A date was set by her family and they wrote back.
"I did research on Tsonga people and bought all the relevant gifts. I ran short of money, but there were no problems ," Ngcobo says proudly.
The couple believes that old traditions help them to stay together.
"With the process comes introductions to ancestors and slaughtering for sacrifice. We are now stuck together," he says.
They have been together for six years. Mabasa is an information technology graduate, but also a stay-at-home mother and wife, while Ngcobo is a personal assistant.
This couple have found a perfect way to marry traditional and modern values.
- monnakgotlam@sowetan.co.za
This article was first published in the printed newspaper and eEdition on 12 September 2012. Click on this link to view the eEdition
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