How to put the sizzle back into your sex life
YOU'VE been with your woman for a while and you've had sex together many, many times and enjoyed it, and now you don't feel the fire or the urgency to do it like you used to..
Dr Thobani Maweni says it is a completely normal human behaviour to become less interested in a stimulus when exposed to it over an extended period.
He says studies show that if you indulge in a pleasure whenever you feel like it and do not have a broader outlook - but your primary focus is to indulge in that pleasurable activity, then it takes more of the activity to experience the same amount of satisfaction or pleasure from the activity.
This eventually leads to the inability to experience pleasure from the activity.
He adds that many relationships experience a decrease in sexual frequency after about 18 months to two years in a relationship.
"After a couple has been together for a while in a monogamous relationship there is a natural fading of sexual interest and activity. You can still love your partner very much, but be bored."
Maweni says the main reason is probably the lack of novelty. "The sad truth is that many couples who have been together for a while settle into a sexual routine that is entirely predictable and well-known to them.
"Something as simple as a small variation on your regular sexual position once or twice a week can provide a whole level of stimulation that makes sex much more exciting."
Maweni adds many partners become complacent because it is easy, predictable and safe. And you're not exposing yourself to any criticism from your partner about what they might see as an unreasonable request.
How can this be solved?
Maweni says that communicating more effectively is almost guaranteed to bring solutions.
"If you are not talking to your partner about your sexual needs, you are never going to get them met."
How do you revive your sexual life?
He says the solution is to refrain from sexual contact with your partner for a while.
"It will also help significantly if you could spend some time apart from her. During this time, also refrain from masturbation and sexual contact with other females.
"After a while, (the) feeling of lust will return to a point where you cannot wait to get back to her and, well, have sex."
Maweni further recommends periodic continence to help put the sizzle back into the physical aspect of a couple's relationship.
By taking sex off the table, he says a couple renews that desire for physical intimacy and grows in appreciation for the times they are together.
'Women hate stale and predictable relationships'
He says men are not the only ones who get bored over a period of time.
"Women hate stale and predictable relationships. Once that happens everything becomes boring. Being with your partner is boring, spending time together gets boring and this kills the relationship."
He says in many cases problems start when men start having tight work schedules that won't allow them to break free. Whatever it is, after a while it won't be his job, it will be he who's the boring one.
In some relationships the guy works hard but doesn't know how to balance that with pleasure time and the relationship starts to go south, he says. The woman complains about it for a while until finally the man gets some free time and they go on a trip together.
Everything should be fine since they're finally doing something different, but it's not that simple. The woman has already associated him with his monotonous schedule and now he's the monotonous one, so they don't have any fun.