Forced to live apart
BEING in a long-distance relationship can really suck..
Is your partner is strong-minded, or do they run away when they encounter difficulties?
Keeping a relationship vibrant and healthy when you live in the same house is challenging enough.
How much more do couples have to face when they are separated by geographical distance?
Qaqamba Klaas, a recruitment specialist, says long-distance relationships are now common among young professional couples, thanks to an economy that has forced people to hang on to jobs or go back to school to prepare for new ones.
"As jobs become harder to find people are forced to move to secure employment, often leaving partners behind."
Klaas says more and more young couples are struggling to launch careers and relationships, or marriages, at the same time.
"In most cases both partners are career-focused and willing to make sacrifices. Faced with a choice between unemployment or relocating for a job, more and more couples are going for a third option and choosing long-term separations."
She says this scenario often exacerbates problems and complicates issues surrounding trust, commitment, communication, household management, children and finances.
Klaas says the depressed housing market makes matters worse for couples because they can't sell their homes, even after one spouse moves elsewhere for work.
"One partner stays behind because they can't sell their home. Beyond the emotional toll of separation, maintaining two households is expensive. This can add further strain to a relationship."
Can long-distance relationships really work?
Thobani Maweni, a clinical psychologist, says such relationships can present serious challenges and complications, especially for couples who are going through the experience for the first time.
He says it has been scientifically proven that the more you see your partner, the more you become attached to them and the more intense your feelings become.
"The problem with long-distance relationships is that people don't see each other for long periods and they sometimes experience weird feelings when they meet. Intimacy is reduced between them and they might end up having no emotions towards each other."
Maweni says only a person who truly values his or her own space, does well in long-distance communication.
But not all is lost.
Maweni says long-distance relationships can work if they are handled well.
"It takes a little effort and a lot of creativity to keep the passion burning."
He advises couples to first agree on an end goal.
"Have a specific time, when the separation is going to end. You can reunite, your partner can move back, you can follow or you can call it quits. There has to be an agreed-on goal to look forward to."
He says long-distance relationships can have benefits.
"The distance can cause you to miss each other more than if you were just down the road. You spend less time together, but this tends to be quality time in which get to know each other more on deeper levels."
He says another plus is that you get to know if a partner is serious about the relationship.
"It lets you size up if your partner is strong-minded, or if they run away when they encounter difficulties."
He says for the relationship to work it is important to define the parameters together.
"Sit down together and talk about your concerns. How often you will visit, what about the kids, household upkeep and so on. You should also talk about relationship worries such as intimacy, jealousy and trust. Get everything out into the open so you can both begin this new adventure on the same footing."
Maweni says it is important to communicate every day, more than once, if possible.
"It's critically important when two people are unable to have physical intimacy to maintain an emotional bond. Even if your partner does not like talking, find ways to stay in touch. If he hates being on the phone, then e-mail or text him."
He says another important aspect is transparency.
"Tell your partner about the people in your life. Don't omit events or interactions because they might inspire jealousy. It is important for both partners to feel that they are an active part of the other's life."
Maweni says trust and honesty are crucial.
"Trusting the person at the other end of a long-distance relationship can be difficult. People often have a hard time believing the words that are passed along during phone conversations if they can't actually see the source or unless they truly trust the source. For those who have trouble with trust, the other person's social life and how much or how often they are tempted, often enters the mind."
Maweni says this can be overcome with honesty as well as openly and effectively communicating thoughts and expectations.
Botaleng
Can long-distance relationships really work?* No long distance relationships never work **
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lucy1990
wagafa..im in a long distance relationship and its working, if u believe it wnt work then it wont and its not like he is my only boyfriendReport Abuse
edna
I used to say NEVER to a long relaitonship but it's been a year now and we are still going strong. I'm in GP and he is in EC. I won't lie to you coz it's hard and expensive but we try to make time and so far we are happy. Thanks to technology.Report Abuse
Botaleng
@Lucy1990" its not like he is my only boyfriend"
so long distance makes you to have more than one?
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Botaleng
@ edna ~ I'm happy for you, I guess I'm just skeptical but if it's working then that's good to hearReport Abuse
PDreamz
"The problem with long-distance relationships is that people don't see each other for long periods and they sometimes experience weird feelings when they meet. Intimacy is reduced between them and they might end up having no emotions towards each other."............................................................................................................................................
It sounds awful and sad so chances are after yearning for your partner who you havent seen for over 3Months or worse depending on the distance he/she might come back and not feel you during the intimacy worse they might be emotionally detached
"The distance can cause you to miss each other more than if you were just down the road. You spend less time together, but this tends to be quality time in which get to know each other more on deeper levels."
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So the one feeling detached will be spending the so called QUALITY TIME pretending? Faking to be happy around this other poor soul? Until when? Or maybe they will be planning their escape to vanish into thin air and never return
"Tell your partner about the people in your life. Don't omit events or interactions because they might inspire jealousy. It is important for both partners to feel that they are an active part of the other's life."
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*SIGH*
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lucy1990
what u want me 2 fuc k myself while he is away?b please, i have needsReport Abuse
Mbeva
@Edna. Happy for you, but just wondering if this technology you are talking about if it also fulfils the sexual gratification.Itmust be interestingReport Abuse
Botaleng
@lucy1990why do I have to be a "b"? If your long distance relationship was working why do you feel the need to have a side dish?
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