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Loving tie that binds couples

By Zenoyise Madikwa | Sep 20, 2011 | COMMENTS [ 481 ]

WHEN you first met, he was on fire and you couldn't keep your hands off each other. But somewhere along the line your man lost interest in sex..

Or maybe the signs of his sexual sluggishness were there all along and you just assumed things would get better - but if anything, they've gotten worse.

According to psychologist Asiphe Ndlela, different people have different levels of interest in sex and once the initial spark of a new relationship settles into routine, the sex settles down too.

She says it's estimated that one out of every three couples has this difficulty. She says one study found that 20 percent of married couples have sex fewer than 10 times a year.

Ndlela said a low sex drive is the number one problem clients bring to psychologists and sex therapists.

"Sex is an extremely important part of marriage. When it's good, it offers couples opportunities to give and receive physical pleasure, to connect emotionally and spiritually. It builds closeness, intimacy and a sense of partnership.

"It defines their relationship as different from all others. In short, sex is a powerful tie that binds," Ndlela says.

"This lack of sex is more than just a lack of physical attention. It goes deep into a woman's heart."

Ndlela says unless the couple gets help they often end up divorcing.

"Many individuals want more than they get at home and end up looking elsewhere for it.

"The individual in need of more intimacy feels like a child sneaking around to get something that is very important to them as a human being.

"Usually the woman with the higher sex drive just lives her life in lonely misery. Eventually, feelings of rejection become increasingly difficult to manage. Sadness turns to anger. Those yearning for more physical closeness vacillate between being distant and unpleasant."

Ndlela says though these behaviours are merely symptoms of underlying hurt, people with a low sex drive don't perceive their partners' behaviour quite so compassionately.

"Empathy is usually in short supply. Arguments about sex, or the lack of it, become the norm. Blame-slinging disagreements add to the already icy distance.

"Then, it's not long before their bitterness and animosity collide head-on with every other aspect of their relationship. Nothing seems right anymore.

"Most men who have low sex drive problems are unwilling to talk to their wives, or ask for help.

She says this is because to be disinterested in sex is to feel less than a man.

"Just thinking about low libido, let alone talking about it, strikes terror in men because it threatens the very foundation on which their feelings of self-worth are based. No wonder they do not talk about it."

According to Dr Zinzi Mbuqe, a GP based in East London, most women blame themselves.

"Most women feel they are no longer attractive but mostly the partner's indifference to sex probably has nothing to do with how attractive they are or how much their partners love them."

She says the man might have a personal issue, and might suffer from depression or stress. Or the problem could be an illness, obesity or trouble maintaining an erection.

Many men lose interest in sex for the same reason many women do: unresolved anger, resentment and hurt.

Medication could also be a reason for a low sex drive.

"For example, most anti-depressants dampen desire and the ability to be aroused.

"Cardiovascular disease of any sort is a problem too, as well as some of the medication that treats it," Mbuqe says.

She says hormonal fluctuations such as testosterone, also affect sex drive. She advised that a man experiencing a drop in desire should visit his physician for a thorough check-up.

Mbuqe also referred to emotional problems as a reason for low sex drive. Depression or family history of sexual abuse could be causes.

COMMENTS [ 481 ]

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@Ntotoemonate, mmmmmmmmm

Sep 20, 2011 1:9 | 0 replies
Sep 20, 2011 1:35 | 0 replies


why u fighting with me manje... ngiyazibuzela nje lol... u grand mara mfethu?

Sep 20, 2011 1:35 | 0 replies


hahahahhahaha Mnike?

Sep 20, 2011 1:36 | 0 replies

maezisto-o kae ,whatever you wanted to say on my email say it here my dear.

kanti zikhiphani lana?

Sep 20, 2011 1:37 | 0 replies


maezisto-Just say it here my dear.

Sep 20, 2011 1:37 | 0 replies

maezisto-o kae ,whatever you wanted to say on my email say it here my dear.

kanti zikhiphani lana?
Hey nami angazi uyaz!LOL

Sep 20, 2011 1:38 | 0 replies

@ ALL.... will i ever find a woman who will have sex with me @least twice a week?? or am i asking 2much??
...oops, this is travesty of sexual justice...tedu mola o e rata so ga o kgane go thola a girl who can engage you only twice a week, kganthe o kopana le basadi ba ba bjang naa?...nfana, nna le m.osadi waka only red robots stops her, not everyday and we love it very much

Sep 20, 2011 1:39 | 0 replies


Sep 20, 2011 1:40 | 0 replies

@Ntotoemonate...hows the numbers coming and where is the email

Sep 20, 2011 1:40 | 0 replies

First, never have an affair with someone who has less to lose than you because in a moment of pain they will tell your partner.

Second, never have an affair with someone madder than you; it’s the same problem – after too much to drink it all comes out.

Third, never call them by their name, because in a moment of passion or anger you will call your primary partner by their name.

Fourth, never wear perfume or lipstick with them, it leaves a trace. And last, never give context to their life. You don’t want to know that he likes dogs, lives in… it makes it very hard to walk away from. If they only exist in the hotel room, it can be contained and attachments don’t arise.

Sorry Sowetan, I copied from!

Sep 20, 2011 1:41 | 0 replies