Loving tie that binds couples
WHEN you first met, he was on fire and you couldn't keep your hands off each other. But somewhere along the line your man lost interest in sex..
HOLD ME TIGHT: Sex therapists say low sex drive is the main reason for clients' visits.Many individuals want more sex than they get at home and end up looking elsewhere for it
- When the spark's gone
- Your smell is a huge attraction
- Married men are nicer, and here's why
- Women know their men can be easily stolen
- When he's not in the mood for sex
- Hopping into the sack won't win him over
- DJ Fresh on sex: I do it at least once a day
- Money woes kill relationships
- Money: how to talk the talk
- The other woman in his love life
- Safe sex is still elusive
- What's sexy
- Sex on the back seat
- Do's and Don'ts of courtship
Or maybe the signs of his sexual sluggishness were there all along and you just assumed things would get better - but if anything, they've gotten worse.
According to psychologist Asiphe Ndlela, different people have different levels of interest in sex and once the initial spark of a new relationship settles into routine, the sex settles down too.
She says it's estimated that one out of every three couples has this difficulty. She says one study found that 20 percent of married couples have sex fewer than 10 times a year.
Ndlela said a low sex drive is the number one problem clients bring to psychologists and sex therapists.
"Sex is an extremely important part of marriage. When it's good, it offers couples opportunities to give and receive physical pleasure, to connect emotionally and spiritually. It builds closeness, intimacy and a sense of partnership.
"It defines their relationship as different from all others. In short, sex is a powerful tie that binds," Ndlela says.
"This lack of sex is more than just a lack of physical attention. It goes deep into a woman's heart."
Ndlela says unless the couple gets help they often end up divorcing.
"Many individuals want more than they get at home and end up looking elsewhere for it.
"The individual in need of more intimacy feels like a child sneaking around to get something that is very important to them as a human being.
"Usually the woman with the higher sex drive just lives her life in lonely misery. Eventually, feelings of rejection become increasingly difficult to manage. Sadness turns to anger. Those yearning for more physical closeness vacillate between being distant and unpleasant."
Ndlela says though these behaviours are merely symptoms of underlying hurt, people with a low sex drive don't perceive their partners' behaviour quite so compassionately.
"Empathy is usually in short supply. Arguments about sex, or the lack of it, become the norm. Blame-slinging disagreements add to the already icy distance.
"Then, it's not long before their bitterness and animosity collide head-on with every other aspect of their relationship. Nothing seems right anymore.
"Most men who have low sex drive problems are unwilling to talk to their wives, or ask for help.
She says this is because to be disinterested in sex is to feel less than a man.
"Just thinking about low libido, let alone talking about it, strikes terror in men because it threatens the very foundation on which their feelings of self-worth are based. No wonder they do not talk about it."
According to Dr Zinzi Mbuqe, a GP based in East London, most women blame themselves.
"Most women feel they are no longer attractive but mostly the partner's indifference to sex probably has nothing to do with how attractive they are or how much their partners love them."
She says the man might have a personal issue, and might suffer from depression or stress. Or the problem could be an illness, obesity or trouble maintaining an erection.
Many men lose interest in sex for the same reason many women do: unresolved anger, resentment and hurt.
Medication could also be a reason for a low sex drive.
"For example, most anti-depressants dampen desire and the ability to be aroused.
"Cardiovascular disease of any sort is a problem too, as well as some of the medication that treats it," Mbuqe says.
She says hormonal fluctuations such as testosterone, also affect sex drive. She advised that a man experiencing a drop in desire should visit his physician for a thorough check-up.
Mbuqe also referred to emotional problems as a reason for low sex drive. Depression or family history of sexual abuse could be causes.
Most Popular
-
No Viewed Articles yet
Comments
Eraser
JA, the problem arises when you have lived together for a long time with your boy/girlfriend...He/she start to be like your brother/sister.
Meaning...You end up not getting an erection...That's why we get divorces. Some people will say the solution is communicating; listening, counseling, and all the other related stuff...Hell NO!
Here is how you solve your problem:
The best thing to do ha le nyalane or staying together ke ho re le febelane and in that way you won't find each other boring.
Q: Why?
1. Monna/ woman wa hao will always want to look good, ho re a febe hantle.
He/she will always look attractive to you because he/she wants to look attractive to the other people who are bonking him/her or who want to bonk him/her...
2. You will also maintain and better the way you perform in a relationship because you have your partner and the other people you are bonking to satisfy... o a feba... if you look around most people ba febang....they have successful marriages that last forever....and the girls ba febang...are the most to get married than bo Miss Goodie Goodie..
Why?...
1. If you start ho feba hona jwale..you will master...the art of betraying...lying with a straight face...juggling many BALLS... sleeping with three people in one weekend (satisfying all of them)
Most people ba qalang ho feba ba se ba le married... they fail... because they have not mastered what have been mentioned above...
2. Ho feba will also teach you that, people can not be trusted and next time they disappoint you...you will just take it as one of those things that happen in life (this is a very valuable lesson in life...not taking life that seriously) because you find people want to (ho te polaya)themselves after finding out that their partner have been cheating on them.
Ho feba will also help you go ahead in your career because you know the weakest points of men/women...
IF MOTHO WA HAO A O FEBELA ...that's when you love them more and more because you know that competition is tough... even when having sex you make sure that you screw them better than the other people he/she is seeing... to know if something is good or not...you must have had a big one before that after you cross the bridge ya ho febelana.
I'm telling you; you going to have a successful marriage or Vat en Sit.
I also want all the Guys to admit that le difebe they are more fun than bo-Miss Goodie Goodie because they go all the way.
VIVA BOFEBE VIVA !!! BUT PLEASE MAKE SURE U DON'T GET COUGHT FEBA FAR AWAY FROM WHERE U STAY..BUT FEBA.
Report Abuse
MtshepaRepa
Picture her as somebody else bootie!Report Abuse
Knoxmann
Sorry Miss Ndlela but your column seem to be one sided. I 'd like to belive that there is always two sides to the coin and not only men have this particular low sex drive problem. What if me as the male be wanting to do it all the time and my counter part is just cold and just not feeling me all the time? Always waiting for me to initiate it and sometimes full of excusses when i do? Huh? What then? Please re-write your article and this time dont single out men. Thank you!Report Abuse
Lopoloplo
I am looking for LOVE is there any single lady here?!Report Abuse
svavava
@Eraser, how can u encourage cheating with such a high rate of AIDS bra.Report Abuse
lindsay
that means people are just greedyReport Abuse
MR305
No offence most articles of psychologist Asiphe Ndlela are unquestionable, 100% sucks big time. Not so long you said “sex after marriage couple live happily after” you can do well coz ur far from better.Report Abuse
Mzalaz
@Knoxman, u r rite bru, not only man but some of these wives they r always tire for sex, it's always abt kis,jobs,houseWIVES, why don't u give ur husbands,anytime and anyhow they want without complaining , sometimes they r afraid to propose new thingz to u coz ul say "m not a maghosha or wat wat JUST GIVE THEM EVERYDAY, fk them not wait for them to fk u, if u do that hard they wil not get tym to giv it to mistresses GO WOMEN GO, anywhere in d house!
Report Abuse
Bosele
@KnoxmannThank you,my sentiments exactly.Why do women want to potrait a picture as if it's men who have sexual problems?Why do women have a puul down syndrome towards men in order for them to fell good?
@Eraser
To some point i agree with you.People need to spice up their marriage especially if you have been in it for more than 10 years.oh and you think your partner doesn't know that you are cheating well guess again.
@ Ndlela
why do you like writing articles that are one sided? do you seek alternative opinion from other professionals before writing and publishing ?i so wish this could be interactive whereby you could responde to some of our comments.your articles give men goose bums to consult psychologists.
Report Abuse
Vhamsanda
Try asking for a blow job ... you will be told in no uncertain terms to go and get it where you learnt it from.If you want more sex, you will be told : "looks like my job is have sex in this house "
Or ... You can't always demand sex ... I am not your girlfriend.
Report Abuse
Read all 481 comments