AS MEN, the majority of us are trapped in a patriarchal prison. The majority of us are misguidedly convinced that this obnoxious and preposterous system is somehow inspired by God.

Patriarchy manifests itself through our families, churches, schools, workplaces and our televisions telling us that men "do not show emotions other than anger and aggression", "do not display your vulnerabilities or fears", "do not seek help in any shape or form", "do not cry", "do not refuse sex or remain faithful to one partner", since all of these actions will in some inexplicable and nonsensical way reduce your manhood.

As men the majority of us do not have the courage or are unwilling to seriously interrogate the negative effects of what it means to be a so-called "real man" in this day and age. What makes us men?

Are we men because of our physiology or because we can make babies?

Or does it depend on how many women we sleep with, or is it that we refuse to use protection even in instances where we are not sure of our own HIV status?

We have chosen not to challenge or question patriarchy because of the unfair power it gives us, though it is toxic to our wellbeing as men.

One of the many manifestations of this toxicity is the reluctance of men to access health services, even those that are to our benefit, such as HIV testing and treatment.

Another example is male circumcision, which many men choose not to undergo despite the overwhelming evidence that it can reduce chances of contracting HIV.

Another example is that we don't stop to ask why it is that men die, on average, nearly half a decade younger than women.

We don't ask why men drink and smoke at such disproportionately high rates, why they drive so fast and so often refuse to wear seat belts?

Or why men die of heart attacks and commit suicide more frequently than women.

As men and as a society we don't ask why it is that men are so much less likely than women to get tested for HIV or to get on treatment when they test positive.

And because we don't ask these questions, we don't consider the fact that all of these health problems stem from the very ideas we hold about what it means to be a man.

This is the sad reality of how patriarchy imprisons us men.

RW Connell has written extensively about masculinity. He proposes that while not every man is individually exploitative towards women, every man benefits generally from the overall subordination of women, which he calls the "patriarchal dividend".

Connell elaborates by explaining that men are also dominated by other men.

A particularly pervasive and overt example of this is the relegation of gay men to a lower stratum of manhood - in extreme cases gay men may be killed or raped as a way of punishing their so-called failure to belong to the appropriate or correct box of what it means to be a man.

If we think of the expression "that is so gay", which is often used to criticise and-or demonise behavior that is considered outside of what is defined as manly, this illustrates poignantly the conflation of being gay with something negative.

The majority of us would want to belong to this unhealthy prison called patriarchy because our membership confers status, power and the privileges that come with belonging to the "right" group.

This type of criticism therefore pushes many men into certain behavior patterns in order to avoid such criticism or labelling, because they do not want to be relegated to this lower category of not being a "real man".

It's a natural phenomenon that we all want to be loved, appreciated and above all, accepted.

If men do not condone and connive with the patriarchal behavioral practices of other men, this may deprive them of all the above privileges, which we all crave.

Violence is often a product of this patriarchal prison, in that it is used as a way of demonstrating masculinity and power.

Men may use violence as a way to reclaim their so-called "lost manhood", if they have feel emasculated in other ways.

This is clearly shown through the violence that men perpetrate against women and children, but also through the violence that men experience at the hands of other men.

This form of violence is often not spoken about, especially by male victims who do not want to seem weak or unmanly.

It is this type of silence that all men should be prepared to break in order to voice our unanimous displeasure and rejection of this system and everything it stands for.

For how long will we not seek help under the guise that doing so would contradict the essence of what it means to be a man.

This silence is often perpetuated through the excuse that it is what God designed for us men.

But in actual fact, we must take cognisance that it is actually a product of socialisation.

I always ask myself, can we debunk the myth that patriarchy makes us real men?

I further ask myself if we really want to bequeath such untenable, repressive and self oppressive value systems to our children.

Is this how we would like the boy child to remember us?

• The writer is a government and media relations manager at Sonke Gender Justice Network