Feminism is a F-word for some who feel it ruins sex lives and marriages

FEMINISM has always had a love-hate relationship with sex. Many men blame feminism for ruining their relationships and sex lives.

Zuko Mathyila, a male activist in Cape Town, blames feminism for ruining a lot of marriages and relationships in South Africa.

He blames the feminist media for telling women and men that women should only have sex when they feel like it and to disregard men's needs.

He says this message has become common in mainstream women magazines, schools and counselling rooms.

"Studies show that 60percent of the married couples out there have sex about once a week. For most husbands that is equal to a hunger diet of sex once a week or less.

"The feminists would say that a woman should not allow herself to be a 'sexual slave' to her husband. This is plain selfishness."

Mathyila also blames feminism for messing up love lives, marriages and families.

"Yes, feminism has done well in opening doors for equal rights for women financially and politically but it has ruined a lot of marriages," he says.

"A lot of women take the boardroom masculine attitude into their bedrooms. Women forget that we fall in love with them because they are feminine, sexually available, loving and appreciative.

"Feminism has made them fussy, neurotic whiners."

Mathyila says one thing he has learnt about feminism is that it is not about equality between the sexes, but female supremacy.

He complains that feminism has got men so twisted in the head that they're afraid to be a little aggressive and sexually playful lest they are charged with date rape.

"Love has become a mystery. Many men are suffering identity crises on a daily basis. Men simply don't know what being a man actually means anymore.

"They fear women won't like them if they display the characteristics that make men masculine. They think it's bad to do the stuff that makes men attractive in the first place.

"All the news about sexual harassment, men being chauvinists pigs when they talk to women with intentions and so on have sent confusing massages to men.

"Men are afraid to approach women. You don't do anything when you see an interesting woman because you think she won't like you when she realises you approached her with sexual intentions."

Asiphe Ndlela, a psychologist, agrees with Mathyila that feminism is ruining relationships. She says women have great power and influence over men, and wives in particular have tremendous power over their husbands.

"How they use this power essentially controls the relationship because women are the masters of most relationships and marriages."

She says men are simple human beings who come from a woman, are nurtured and brought up by a woman, and yearn for the continued love, admiration, and approval from a woman.

Ndlela further blames feminism for robbing women of their identities by devaluing their job description.

"Millions of women whose self-esteem was derived from their role as a great mother or supportive wife were suddenly left with a low-ranking title."

She says in relationships feminists retreat from any behaviour that might be deemed submissive. This has caused them to throw out the baby with the bath water.

"They are so afraid of submission that they have forgotten how to be supportive."

Mpho Malatje of Masibambane Family Group in Khayelitsha says there is nothing wrong with feminism. She says feminism is good for relationships.

"A lot of male chauvinists are making young women disinterested in it but, in the long run, feminism actually makes your love life better," Malatje says.

"A lot of women have compromised their standards because they are afraid to die lonely. Fear won't actually lead you to happier romantic relationships.

"What leads to happier relationships is being empowered, being honest, intentional and clear about what you want.

"And incorporating and prioritising your own needs into your romantic life means sometimes running the risk of being single for a little while and it means having some standards and not settling (for someone who is not right for you). The truth is we have too much to lose any other way."

She says if feminism has taught her anything it's that, as a woman, she should never be ashamed to ask for what she wants.

"Feminism and, more generally, pluralism, have taught us that we are all individuals and the life of each person is that person's responsibility," she says.

"Having a pluralistic, and specifically feminist, view of the world and the self enhances one's ability to be a good mate.

"You can't be in an emotionally mature and satisfying relationship if all you're doing is parroting the gender roles that were prescribed to you upon your birth and classification as male or female."