Monitoring a partner is abuse, not love
Too many women allow themselves to be doormats
Generic imageThe cellphone has become a weapon to control and monitor the movements of women
I WAS recently at a top-class shebeen-cum-restaurant in Soweto where I was reminded that some women enjoy abuse and violence.
My evening was almost spoilt by a pretty woman who boasted that her man loved her and demanded to know her every move.
She answered phone calls or text messages and everybody knew about her verbal and textual exchanges with her lover.
Of course, it would seem there is absolutely nothing wrong with this practice.
There are far too many women who have grown accustomed to going out on their own or with friends simply because their partners or lovers prefer to be with other people.
And it is only when it is time to sleep that the so-called boyfriend or partner would call or just show up unannounced to claim what belongs to him.
Violence and abuse against women is packaged in textual messages and just-before-midnight calls these days, where most women have to account to invisible lovers about where they are, whom they are with, what they are doing and when they are going home.
It is very important for women to be agents who promote the right to self-determination, respect and equality with their male counter-parts, especially in heterosexual relationships.
Far too many women have been brutalised, abused and even killed because they do not realise they promote violence and abuse against themselves.
I tried to conduct an on-the-spot seminar on how the cellphone has become a weapon to control and monitor the movements and conduct of women who should be enjoying their freedom.
What I wanted this woman and her friends to understand was that no man can oppress you unless you allow him to.
This particular woman and her friends seemed to have no clue about their freedom to be or not to be with a guy on any night, especially Friday or Saturday.
What I wanted her particularly to understand was that she does not owe anybody an explanation about what she is doing, who she is doing it with, where they are doing it or when they will finish doing it.
Most men have a hard time understanding that you cannot abandon your woman to do the things you desire with the people you want to and still expect her to be with you by remote control.
It is either you are with your partner lover or you are not.
If you are not together, you cannot harass her by distracting her from enjoying precious moments of her life simply because she must account to an absent you.
I am not suggesting reckless freedom without responsibility.
But what women deserve, because it is their right, is indulging in social gatherings to relax, be easy, unstressed and engage in meaningful interaction that will enhance the quality of their lives. Women cannot enjoy themselves when they are preoccupied with answering phone calls or SMSes that are a way of manipulating them.
I made it very clear to the woman that she was willingly submitting to violence and abuse in the form of textual harassment.
But I was scolded because many women believe that if a deliberately absent lover keeps tabs on her movement and association, it is a sign of love and care.
Is it not true that there are many women who believe that "there is no true love without jealousy".
This is the philosophical nonsense that has seen far too many women succumb to violence and abuse.
Some women seem to have no problem with their right to privacy being violated and undermined by some partner lover simply because treating a woman like your property is part of the new love etiquette.
Well, some of us have a serious problem with that.
No man or woman has got any right to make a partner lover account for anything they do except when they want to do so.
It is not a crime or unfaithfulness when your partner lover does not want to share the details of how they spent their evening, who they spent it with or how much time or money they spent together.
But, obviously, there are far too few men or women who cherish freedom more than love.
After I realised that I was not making any headway with the woman and her friends, I switched off and amused myself by remembering that we live in a world where love and freedom do not go together.
Instead, in a relationship or marriage, the two people must become one.
What this means is that one partner must be willing to give up their lives for the other.
And, dammit, it is always the woman!
The writer is an author and chief director for marketing and public relations at the Department of Arts and Culture. He writes in his personal capacity
ProudSAcan
"What I wanted her particularly to understand was that she does not owe anybody an explanation about what she is doing, who she is doing it with, where they are doing it or when they will finish doing it." That phrase to me sounds very strange and do not like it because maybe its just me but I do not understand what it really means. Anyway the question is that at the end it says the author is a "HE", does he really agree with everything that he wrote there? I do NOT and WONT condone abuse at any given time but there are some aspects of this article that I just dont agree with.Report Abuse
lenkass
ngiyaqala ke ukubona umbhedo onje ku Sowetan. Who edited this? This whole article makes no sense, just hogwash altogether. And the 'HE' is said to be an author?Report Abuse
Mwelase
To my concern, Chief Director he is lost if he is giving and allowing her woman to just going arround, really i dont know whom is he trying to impress. Chief Director infuture when you right first think about how does it impact to others, to me here you are solomely telling us only about your side. What is that worrying thee so much in this girls conversation. You want to tell us that your wife/lover has got those freedoms, then keep it to your self. Dont spoil our womans as they are proud of what they enjoy.Report Abuse
SimbaT
@Proudsacan-we seem to share same sentiments regarding the hogwash written by this guy. What is he trying to say?? I am just failing to comprehend his assertions, whats wrong with asking your partner or wife how was the party??? This guy is insane and his article could be cited to attest the level of intelligence in our respective govt departments,hence poor services and corrupt officials...Imagine chief director who utter claptrap like that???Report Abuse
tsayaya
Sandile (the author), how many marriages and relationships broke because of cellphone abuse by women?Report Abuse
Nail3sum
clearly whoever wrote this article is one of those boys who befriends our ladies and take want to take advantage of the fact that we are not present and want to shag them, yes women have to have their freedom but that i do not have to know where she is, what she is doing, who she is with,and when is she gonna come back?, i dont get it, so to you who wrote this article others like you, STAY AWAY FROM OTHER MEN`S WOMEN, YOU MIGHT BE THE REASON WHY THERE IS SO MUCH Violence and abuse AND ALL OF THAT!Report Abuse
Wanya
The author has totally lost his mind. My wife is my wife, I am not gonna let you mislead me and then the next moment I find you nake with my wife in my very own bedroom. get lost, mfethu.Wanya wa ga KUKU
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Geeza
Sandile Memela, u surely didn't do research before u decided to write this article. i wonder if you have a partner yourself. In other words you saying my woman is mine only when she is with me and vice-versa. I have a right to knw her whereabouts and she also have a right to know mine. I know this is the woma's month but don't act as if men are the only one who keep taps on their ladies, women do that also.And yes,jealous like it or not is an act of love and it is natural. You have to be jealous with what is yours, the danger is when you become obssesed. I don't knw if u r a brother or a sister bt please respect your job and do RESEARCH before U waste the space the editor gave u. Nxxx!!!!Report Abuse
LadySkroof
i've been single like forever and i would love attention from a man.I would like him to call once in a while..................okay im lonely and i wuldnt mind a jealous lover..men find me boring so i think it will be sweet but abuse is abuse..i've been by myself for so long and i realise i can live without a man..its lonely but possible........I NEED A MAN SO BAD BUT im happy being single i mean who really needs a hug or a kiss or a sweet sms from their man,who needs those cliche taboos?????????????????????????????????????Report Abuse