MORE often than not, Guluva finds himself helplessly caught up in traffic on Jozi freeways for hours on end.
And this happens on a daily basis, almost without exception. If it's not a broken-down jalopy that is blocking the freeway and causing a traffic snarl-up, it's a construction truck travelling at 5km an hour on the fast lane.
If it's not a traffic light that is on the blink on the off-ramp causing a gridlock, it's the spectator value motorists derive from witnessing two of their own exchanging their personal particulars on the side of the road after their cars had been involved in a minor bumper-bashing incident moments earlier.
Leaving home two hours early to undertake a journey that would normally take 18 minutes also does not help, making the much-vaunted Gauteng freeway improvement project a mockery and waste of money.
Guluva has tried to tear his hair out on a number of occasions in frustration, only to remember he does not have any left.
He has tried banging his head against the steering wheel, but it did not help.
As he speaks to you now, Guluva is on his last warning for reporting late for work, which has contributed to a loss of man-hours and cost his company thousands of rands. One more case of late-coming, he is out.
But, honestly speaking, Guluva brought this on to himself. He is hopelessly ignorant of how the government and municipalities work.
If he had properly familiarised himself with government systems, he would have known that the Johannesburg metro police department, for instance, provides escort services for "members of the community" who find themselves in "emergency situations".
This is the same service that the Inconvenient Youth used on Friday afternoon when, after the end of the "economic freedom march" to the Union Buildings in Pretoria, he realised he would be late for his flight to Mauritius to attend a wealthy friend's wedding and called the JMPD.
Though JMPD spokesman Wayne Minnaar could not confirm whisking the Inconvenient Youth to OR Tambo International - blue lights and all - he did say: "If it did happen, there's nothing wrong because members of the JMPD assist members of the community on a daily basis ."
As a bona fide member of the community, Guluva will from now on demand that the JMPD provide him with a blue-light convoy escort the next time he is stuck on the freeway on his way to the airport.
Decent funeral plan
Kaizer Chiefs Football Club, one of the most successful soccer clubs in Mzansi, is reportedly being consumed by a bitter family feud that threatens to put its future in grave danger.
The club's performance on the field of play of late has also been uninspiring and disappointing, losing games it could have won with the players' eyes closed.
The coach is fighting with the players, and the players are fighting among themselves, "a foreign tendency", as one Woodwork Boy, aka Juju, would say.
All this instability points to one thing: that the club, which celebrated its 41st anniversary earlier this year, is tottering to its deathbed.
If the end does come, the club will, at least, have a decent funeral.
The Kaizer Chiefs Funeral Plan, a product the club has been promoting for years, will make sure of that.
- E-mail Guluva on: thatha.guluva@gmail.com
Caught up in traffic? Call JMPD
MORE often than not, Guluva finds himself helplessly caught up in traffic on Jozi freeways for hours on end.
And this happens on a daily basis, almost without exception. If it's not a broken-down jalopy that is blocking the freeway and causing a traffic snarl-up, it's a construction truck travelling at 5km an hour on the fast lane.
If it's not a traffic light that is on the blink on the off-ramp causing a gridlock, it's the spectator value motorists derive from witnessing two of their own exchanging their personal particulars on the side of the road after their cars had been involved in a minor bumper-bashing incident moments earlier.
Leaving home two hours early to undertake a journey that would normally take 18 minutes also does not help, making the much-vaunted Gauteng freeway improvement project a mockery and waste of money.
Guluva has tried to tear his hair out on a number of occasions in frustration, only to remember he does not have any left.
He has tried banging his head against the steering wheel, but it did not help.
As he speaks to you now, Guluva is on his last warning for reporting late for work, which has contributed to a loss of man-hours and cost his company thousands of rands. One more case of late-coming, he is out.
But, honestly speaking, Guluva brought this on to himself. He is hopelessly ignorant of how the government and municipalities work.
If he had properly familiarised himself with government systems, he would have known that the Johannesburg metro police department, for instance, provides escort services for "members of the community" who find themselves in "emergency situations".
This is the same service that the Inconvenient Youth used on Friday afternoon when, after the end of the "economic freedom march" to the Union Buildings in Pretoria, he realised he would be late for his flight to Mauritius to attend a wealthy friend's wedding and called the JMPD.
Though JMPD spokesman Wayne Minnaar could not confirm whisking the Inconvenient Youth to OR Tambo International - blue lights and all - he did say: "If it did happen, there's nothing wrong because members of the JMPD assist members of the community on a daily basis ."
As a bona fide member of the community, Guluva will from now on demand that the JMPD provide him with a blue-light convoy escort the next time he is stuck on the freeway on his way to the airport.
Decent funeral plan
Kaizer Chiefs Football Club, one of the most successful soccer clubs in Mzansi, is reportedly being consumed by a bitter family feud that threatens to put its future in grave danger.
The club's performance on the field of play of late has also been uninspiring and disappointing, losing games it could have won with the players' eyes closed.
The coach is fighting with the players, and the players are fighting among themselves, "a foreign tendency", as one Woodwork Boy, aka Juju, would say.
All this instability points to one thing: that the club, which celebrated its 41st anniversary earlier this year, is tottering to its deathbed.
If the end does come, the club will, at least, have a decent funeral.
The Kaizer Chiefs Funeral Plan, a product the club has been promoting for years, will make sure of that.
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