Welcome to China, my china
GULUVA did not take kindly to Oom Gwede, Mama Action, Auntie Jessie and other senior comrades in the revolutionary party sneaking out of the country to visit China the way they did, especially in the middle of a political storm and high drama that saw the Dalai Lama being effectively denied a visa to enter Mzansi for the Arch's 80th birthday celebrations.
The way they just upped and left fuelled suspicions that they were going there to collect a big fat paycheque from elder brother China, in lieu of successfully putting the Dalai Lama in his place.
With Transnet having just arrogantly refused to help fund Ain't Seen Nothing Yet's centenary celebrations next year, the revolutionary party needs all the financial assistance it can get.
But Guluva genuinely believes Ain't Seen Nothing Yet's explanation that Oom Gwede and his entourage went to China to attend a few "political lessons" and generally learn the "Chinese way of doing things".
China is a politically, culturally and socially complex country and Guluva would have loved to have armed the group with the necessary survival skills before they left, without which they risked looking like a bunch of plaasjapies visiting a big city for the first time.
With the aid of technology, Guluva has, however, already ensured that they get the survival toolkit before they make absolute fools of themselves.
The guide, compiled with the assistance of Guluva's friends in cyber space, contains several dos and don'ts they will need to familiarise themselves with while in this "progressive country".
If, for example during their walkabout in the bustling city that is Beijing, Mama Action and Auntie Jessie come across a sign reading: "Slip and fall down carefully", they must not panic.
The sign is warning them of a steep flight of stairs ahead, and cautions them to negotiate the steps carefully.
Oom Gwede must also not feel offended when, during a political education class, the facilitator says to him: "Good good study, day day up". All it simply means is: study hard and make progress daily.
Obviously, the Ain't Seen Nothing Yet comrades will meet a lot of people while there - in workshops, cocktail functions, dinner parties, state luncheons, product launches and seminars. They will find that almost all their hosts look identical.
Now, if someone approaches them during these engagements and asks: "How are you? How old are you?" they must not feel embarrassed because all the person wants to know is: "Why are you here? Why do I always meet you?"
When a guest accompanied by a lady says to one of the comrades: "We two who and who," the comrade must not give him blank stares and embarrass him. The man is simply telling the comrade that he and the lady are intimately involved.
Similarly, if someone asks Oom Gwede during a conversation: "You ask me, me ask who?" he must not look at the other comrades in amazement. All the man is saying to Oom Gwede is: "You ask me the reason, I don't know either."
If they come across a sign reading: "Deformed Man Toilet", they must just quietly read between the lines and not try to be politically correct.
- E-mail Guluva on firstname.lastname@example.org