THERE are conflicting reports on what a livid Machine Gun Man said to the Woodwork Boy last Monday when the kindergarten prefect and his cronies barged into the older man's office in Luthuli House, demanding to know why they were being made to wait in another office while Ain't Seen Nothing Yet's top six leaders were discussing their fate in the organisation.

An exasperated and perspiring Machine Gun Man, rolling up his sleeves, was reported to have bellowed at the Woodwork Boy, aka Juju: "Who do you think you are? Do you think you are in charge of this country?"

Guluva is told this is a mild version of what actually transpired on that fateful Monday afternoon. Guluva's source says the following transcript is a true reflection of the Machine Gun Man's two-cents' worth he gave the enfant terrible:

"If you've got a tendency of undermining African presidents like myself and Botswana's Ian Khama, even in your place of work where you hatch theories about nationalisation and land expropriation without compensation, you are in the wrong place. Go out, you bloody tenderpreneur and two-faced politician."

Then a visibly agitated Juju was reported to have muttered an inaudible rant.

The Machine Gun Man fired back: "Rubbish is what you have covered in those Armani pants you are wearing. That is rubbish."

"You are a small boy from Limpopo. You were born yesterday; you can't do anything, you demagogue.

"This is the office of the president of the revolutionary party and you know nothing about revolution and so here you behave or else you jump.

"Gwede, can you get security to remove him? This is not a kindergarten. It is the office of the president of a revolutionary party and you don't come here with your kindergarten tendencies.

"Don't come here with your Breitling watches and Ratanang Family Trust tendencies, not here. You can do it somewhere else; you bloody hard nut."

As they say, you must do unto others what you expect others to do unto you.

Cloud of hot air

WHEN Dutch football legend Johan Neeskens took over the coaching reins at Mamelodi Sundowns he regaled us with how he was going to turn Patrice Motsepe's underperforming but expensive pet project into a fluid and exciting football machine that would easily overrun anything that stood in its way to winning the league title in his maiden season in the Premier Soccer League.

Neeskens said he would achieve this by introducing Ajax Amsterdam's "total football" philosophy, made famous by Dutch soccer great and namesake and former team-mate Johan Cruyff, blend it with Sundowns' shoeshine-and-piano model and add a touch of Barca style.

Well, Guluva and his mates got to see what Neeskens meant when they watched the club's opening match against the hapless AmaZulu at Lucas Moripe Stadium in Atteridgeville on Sunday.

To say watching that game was akin to watching paint dry would be an understatement of the century.

The only thing that Neeskens' dangerous concoction of the so-called "total football" philosophy, Screamer Tshabalala's shoe-shine-and-piano method and a touch of Barcelona FC's style seems to be emitting is a cloud of hot air.

E-mail Guluva on thatha.guluva@gmail.com.