Sun Sep 24 04:57:06 CAT 2017

No escape from mo'kaka

By Bathathe Guluva | 2011-05-20 09:52:10.0

THE Tobacco Pipe Smoking Intellectual has been twiddling his thumbs and gracefully watching the sun go down since being hounded out of his office by the Machine Gun Man's crowd three years ago

Sometimes, when he is lucky, he is given freelance political mediation work by the African Union in conflict-ridden countries such as Ivory Coast and Sudan, a far cry from his days as Mzansi's president.

So it was not surprising to hear he is yearning to make a political comeback soon.

"I'm looking around the country to see where I can become mayor. I will find a little town somewhere and say: 'Please elect me as mayor'," the Tobacco Pipe Smoking Intellectual was overheard telling someone after casting his special vote in Parktown on Monday.

Fortunately, he won't look around for far too long. Moqhaka mayor Mantebu Mokgosi, who presided over an eight-year open-toilet stink in Rammulotsi township in Free State, is on her way out, creating the possibility for the Tobacco Pipe Smoking Intellectual to be deployed - or redeployed - there.

But he will soon find out that running such a municipality is not all smooth sailing. He will soon discover why in that part of the world they refer to issues as tissues and voters' rolls as toilet rolls, and why they pronounce Moqhaka as more kaka.

Well, was it not Ain't Seen Nothing Yet that said in its 2009 national election campaign slogan: "Together we can do more .?"

Juju for president

The Woodwork Boy, aka Juju, is well-known or notorious for his - depending on who you talk to - abrasive leadership style, aggression, combustible temper, robust engagement in political debates and lack of respect for elderly people.

But there is a rare quality he possesses that financial management students, investors and even world economists might find useful. It's his ultra-extraordinary ability, if there is such an expression, to stretch the rand's value to unprecedented levels.

The Woodwork Boy earns - by his own confession or admission - around R20,000 a month before deductions, as the prefect of Ain't Seen Nothing Yet's kindergarten. And he is not known to moonlight as, say, a carpenter for a furniture manufacturer to supplement his rather modest income, considering his lavish lifestyle.

But on Easter weekend, the whisky-swigging Juju pledged to contribute a cool R100000 - which is five times his reported monthly salary - to a church's building fund in Limpopo.

To the church elders' elation, the Woodwork Boy delivered on his promise two weeks later when he effected an electronic transfer of the funds into the church's bank account.

No wonder Guluva increasingly hears chants of "Juju for president" wherever he goes.

Too late for Jesus

Guluva hears that Montecasino's Monte Teatro Theatre will host Pieter Toerien's 2006 musical, Jesus Christ Superstar, a story that tells The Son of Man's last seven days on Earth, from June 3 to June 26.

Bad timing. If the organisers had been following the news closely of late, they would have known by now that the world comes to an end tomorrow - May 21 - and that Jesus will have everything to do with it.

E-mail Guluva on thatha.guluva@gmail.com

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