AFTER telling three candidates shortlisted for its vacant chief executive officer position - including respected football administrator Andrew Dipela - to go jump in the nearest lake, the South African Football Association has turned to personnel agencies to find the right man or woman for the job.

Guluva being Guluva, visited Safa House unannounced the other day and managed, while no one was looking, to sneak a peek at the final draft of the advertisement that will be placed in various newspapers later this week.

Under the position's requirements, the advert reads, in part:

"The successful candidate must:

• Be in possession of an MBA degree or equivalent qualifications, even though these amount to nothing at the end of the day;
• Have at least 10 years experience in a similar position;
• Have sound knowledge of the football fraternity and its dynamics, politics and conflicting personal agendas;
• Have excellent negotiation and communication skills;
• Have a thick skin to deal with petty squabbles and tantrums of top officials who belong to various cliques, factions and formations;
• Have the ability to manage finances effectively and cleverly account for funds that will regularly go missing as a matter of course;
• Have a deep understanding of the fact that the position is a thankless job that will from time to time be rewarded with backstabbing;
• Have nine lives as well as excellent survival skills;
• Have a thick, fire-proof behind because this seat is always hot; and
• Demonstrate the ability to manage rumours, gossip, innuendos, personal vendettas and lies on a 24/7 basis."

The footnote reads: "Most importantly, because the successful candidate must attract lucrative sponsorships, he or she must be a good-looking, slim and fresh-faced man or gorgeous woman of medium built with even teeth and a permanent toothpaste smile.

" He or she must preferably have a Model C background and be well spoken. Candidates with "six packs", such as Andrew Dipela, and other chancers need not apply. Good luck to the successful candidate, he or she will definitely need it." Any takers out there?

Passing the buck

Zanoxolo Wayile, a top Ain't Seen Nothing Yet apparatchik in the Friendly City, last week gave officials of the Nelson Mandela Bay Metro a tongue lashing after a tour of several wards ahead of the May 18 elections.

Seething with rage, Wayile accused the officials of treating residents as "sub-humans".

"We took our officials on a tour of our communities so they could see for themselves the gross negligence on the part of many of us in the institution.

"We found neglected sports and recreational facilities, poorly-maintained cemeteries and high levels of dumping. We cannot and will not tolerate any dereliction of duty," Wayile said, adding that what he saw during the tour was "an insult to the integrity of our people".

But the last time Guluva checked, Wayile was the executive mayor of Nelson Mandela Bay and that it was under his watch that people were treated as sub-humans and had their integrity insulted. This, in simple terms, is called passing the buck.

If a mayor cannot account to the long-suffering residents, who will?

E-mail Guluva on: thatha.guluva@gmail.com.