THERE are times when Guluva wishes Oom Gwede was his uncle. Guluva sadly does not have fond memories of his own uncle, a night prowler who was married to the bottle

Usually, after having one too many at his popular shebeen, he would come home in the middle of the night and wake us up - his sister's children - and ask us to sing and clap hands for him as he danced in a drunken stupor.

This would go on until eternity while we longed to go back to sleep.

Oom Gwede is not like that at all. He is an amiable, sober-minded and warm man who is always protective of his sisters' brood and loyal members of his party - the Ain't Seen Nothing Yet.

You could see it in the way he came to the defence of Free State premier and Ain't Seen Nothing Yet's provincial chairman, Ace Magashule, who had been accused of manhandling another party member during a heated debate over the selection of candidates for the coming local government elections.

Oom Gwede, the Ain't See Nothing Yet's general secretary, vehemently denied that Magashule had slapped the complainant.

Adding that the claim was an "exaggeration", Oom Gwede reminded everyone who cared to listen that Magashule was a man of delivery and "a hands-on chairman".

You see, Oom Gwede has a way with words. What he really meant by Magashule being hands-on was that the premier did not assault the complainant, but that he merely put his hand on him.

If there is anyone out there who can beat that, please raise your hand.

Newspaper or toilet paper?

Another person who is protective of people close to him is Moses Mudzwiti. If you have not heard of him, don't sweat because very few people have.

Well, Mudzwiti is a columnist for The New Age who claims in his latest offering that editors of "old newspapers", as he calls them, are living in fear after the arrival of his pro-government, Gupta family-funded rag.

He accuses "fearful [and] small-minded editors" of these "old newspapers" of trashing his rag and the Guptas unfairly, saying if they "had any balls they would seek to improve their products, pay their journalists better salaries and take their readers into their confidence".

"If these old newspapers want to bore their readers with acres and acres of anti-Gupta and anti-Zuma diatribes, that is their choice. By the time they wake up their readers will have moved on to titles like The New Age and The Thinker," he concludes.

Guluva has been buying the newspaper since its launch. But it seems he is the only one doing so, because the other day he saw hundreds of copies being handed out for free at an informal settlement. For some the newspaper came in handy because they had run out of toilet paper.

Now, when people start using your newspaper as toilet paper you must be worried about what they think of it.

Goons form party

There are certain guys who, like Guluva and his mates, want to register their political party for the 2014 general elections.

But their party's name is not likely to see the light of day if the Independent Electoral Commission's intransigence is anything to go by.

The dudes call their outfit Goons United to Procure Tenders Arrogantly, the acronym of which is, incidentally, Gupta.

E-mail Guluva on: thatha.guluva@gmail.com