THEY were waiting all week to give him hell. But after he finished delivering his third State of the Nation Address, almost everyone was in agreement that this was one of the best speeches the Machine Gun Man had ever made

With no sex scandal dogging him this time around, the Machine Gun Man was comfortable and in total control. Even harsh responses to his earlier controversial "trip to heaven" comment did not seem to distract him.

The address might have lacked details in parts, but it was rich in content and substance, which was pleasing.

The Machine Gun Man did not quote dead poets, authors or playwrights.

Most importantly, the speech was easily digestible, even though at one stage he told voters to go out there and "choose men and women of your choice" in the forthcoming local government elections.

Guluva was also not amused when, out of the blue and without any provocation, the Machine Gun Man showed millions of TV viewers the middle finger. He would probably argue that he was merely adjusting his spectacles, but Guluva is still deeply hurt by this unwarranted rudeness, but bears no grudges.

Apparently suspecting that the delivery was becoming monotonous, the Machine Gun Man briefly deviated from the written word and spoke from the heart, calling on everyone to save electricity by switching off the implements in their homes when they are not in use.

Guluva would like to assure the president that all his implements - hoes, garden forks, spades, picks, ploughs, rakes, you name it - are safely under lock and key in his storeroom. Fortunately, they are all manually operated and Guluva has no intention of converting them into power-operated tools any time soon.

Be that as it may, the speech was brilliant, especially for a man who had a week or so earlier raised many people's ire when he commented during an impromptu rally in Mthatha that only an Ain't Seen Nothing Yet membership card guaranteed automatic passage to heaven, and that people who supported opposition parties would languish in hell.

Simply put, the speech was, at the risk of Guluva being accused of blasphemy, made in heaven.

Road to paradise

Still on heavenly matters, Guluva is told that the demand for Ain't Seen Nothing Yet's black, gold and green card has dramatically increased since the Machine Gun Man made the controversial and potentially blasphemous comment a week or so ago.

Who in his or her right mind wouldn't want to go to heaven?

The problem, though, is that these precious cards can only be procured from Ain't Seen Nothing Yet's branches. But in the area where Guluva lives, no one seems to know where the local branch's offices are located. The area is Godzille country.

But gaining Ain't Seen Nothing Yet membership is not as simple as it is made out to be.

"Even if you knew where your local branch was situated, you couldn't just rock up and say you wanted to join. People are usually suspicious and cagey about these things. It will have to be a phased approach," someone in the know told Guluva.

Guluva fully understands that it can't be easy.

After all, he read somewhere - he thinks it was the Bible - that the road to heaven was strewn with thorns and sharp rocks and not paved in gold.

Email Guluva on: thatha.guluva@gmail.com