Dos and don'ts for President Zuma
GULUVA will, as usual, be glued to the screen of his battered black and white goggle box when the Machine Gun Man delivers his state of the nation address tomorrow night >>
While it is a given that the president will wish Madiba long life as our beloved 92-year-old icon celebrates the 21st anniversary of his freedom, there are a couple of dos and don'ts that the Machine Gun Man must consider before he regales us with his incredible oratory skills.
- Guluva would like to appeal to the president to practise saying DBSA several times during rehearsals today and tomorrow morning. We don't want a repeat of last year's gaffe when he mistook DBSA for Absa, thereby giving the latter free advertising mileage during prime television viewing time. Guluva reckons Absa boss Maria Ramos still cannot thank the president enough for that generosity.
- He must refrain from talking about Mzansi's successful hosting of the 2010 World Cup. We have heard it a million times before. It's 2011 now and it's time to move on.
- The president must also refuse to succumb to the irresistible urge to quote dead poets and playwrights just to show that he, too, is intellectually up there with the best, as he sought to do when he uncharacteristically quoted Shakespeare at Ain't Seen Nothing Yet's national general council jamboree in Durban last year.
- Spicing a speech with that occasional trademark chuckle was acceptable at certain points in the past. Not anymore; it has passed its sell-by date.
- Last year, following the sensational revelation that the Machine Gun Man sired a child out of wedlock with Sonono Khoza, he insisted that Irvin Khoza - her father and his father-in-law-to-be - be invited to the opening of Parliament. Guluva hopes to see the Iron Duke in the public gallery once again.
Prince Mashele, one of Guluva's favourite political commentators, wrote a light-hearted piece in a Sunday newspaper in which he pretended to be the Machine Gun Man delivering this year's state of the nation address.
Under the tongue-in-cheek headline "This is your president squeaking", Mashele had, for example, this to say about the child support grant: "To bring down cases of entrepreneurial pregnancy, we have decided that all social grants for children shall be managed wholly by our schooling system. Work is under way to operationalise this novel Child Decommercialisation Plan (Childep)".
The article was accompanied by a "doctored" photograph taken during the rendition of the national anthem at the opening of Parliament last year, showing "president" Prince Mashele - instead of the Machine Gun Man - standing next to Mzansi's first First Lady Ma-Khumalo, with Deputy President Kgalema Motlanthe and Speaker Max Sisulu not far behind.
The graphic artist did this by digitally cutting off the Machine Gun Man's head - this sounds treasonous - and replacing it with that of Mashele.
But Mashele's head looks abnormally and disproportionately bigger than everyone else's in the photograph.
His detractors say that's because Mashele is big-headed. Guluva vehemently disagrees.
However, Guluva thinks that while it is OK to pretend to be the country's president, it is not cool for anyone to stand tantalisingly close to the first first lady and pretend to be her husband.
Email Guluva on: firstname.lastname@example.org