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• Zuma 'must give plan to tackle joblessness'

While it is a given that the president will wish Madiba long life as our beloved 92-year-old icon celebrates the 21st anniversary of his freedom, there are a couple of dos and don'ts that the Machine Gun Man must consider before he regales us with his incredible oratory skills.

- Guluva would like to appeal to the president to practise saying DBSA several times during rehearsals today and tomorrow morning. We don't want a repeat of last year's gaffe when he mistook DBSA for Absa, thereby giving the latter free advertising mileage during prime television viewing time. Guluva reckons Absa boss Maria Ramos still cannot thank the president enough for that generosity.

- He must refrain from talking about Mzansi's successful hosting of the 2010 World Cup. We have heard it a million times before. It's 2011 now and it's time to move on.

- The president must also refuse to succumb to the irresistible urge to quote dead poets and playwrights just to show that he, too, is intellectually up there with the best, as he sought to do when he uncharacteristically quoted Shakespeare at Ain't Seen Nothing Yet's national general council jamboree in Durban last year.

- Spicing a speech with that occasional trademark chuckle was acceptable at certain points in the past. Not anymore; it has passed its sell-by date.

- Last year, following the sensational revelation that the Machine Gun Man sired a child out of wedlock with Sonono Khoza, he insisted that Irvin Khoza - her father and his father-in-law-to-be - be invited to the opening of Parliament. Guluva hopes to see the Iron Duke in the public gallery once again.

'President' squeaks

Prince Mashele, one of Guluva's favourite political commentators, wrote a light-hearted piece in a Sunday newspaper in which he pretended to be the Machine Gun Man delivering this year's state of the nation address.

Under the tongue-in-cheek headline "This is your president squeaking", Mashele had, for example, this to say about the child support grant: "To bring down cases of entrepreneurial pregnancy, we have decided that all social grants for children shall be managed wholly by our schooling system. Work is under way to operationalise this novel Child Decommercialisation Plan (Childep)".

The article was accompanied by a "doctored" photograph taken during the rendition of the national anthem at the opening of Parliament last year, showing "president" Prince Mashele - instead of the Machine Gun Man - standing next to Mzansi's first First Lady Ma-Khumalo, with Deputy President Kgalema Motlanthe and Speaker Max Sisulu not far behind.

The graphic artist did this by digitally cutting off the Machine Gun Man's head - this sounds treasonous - and replacing it with that of Mashele.

But Mashele's head looks abnormally and disproportionately bigger than everyone else's in the photograph.

His detractors say that's because Mashele is big-headed. Guluva vehemently disagrees.

However, Guluva thinks that while it is OK to pretend to be the country's president, it is not cool for anyone to stand tantalisingly close to the first first lady and pretend to be her husband.

Email Guluva on: thatha.guluva@gmail.com

Comments

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Tue May 21 17:27:08 SAST 2013 ::

Feb 9, 2011

Mthondosheshayo

I think the president should emphasise on free education and free medication.
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Feb 9, 2011

QueenB

Shame zuma we cant wait to hear wht u gotta say but we ol knw u gonna be speakin 2010 WORLD CUP all over again...Hhhhmmmmm so much we waiting to hear m so worried really...

Mashele show sum respect "This is your president squeaking", LOL
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Feb 9, 2011

TUSEA

Look at wierd bills for elctricity in Jozi,railway transport,municpalities,transnet etc .Dont nationalise mines .Politicians will be further more richer than ordinary south africans........Reduce shacks,TAKE OUT CHILD GRANTS,Kids are getting poked to have grants and making teachers look as if they dont teach.How can you pay someone for having a baby,contract HIV in theprocess and quiting school.
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Feb 9, 2011

ThirdEye

i thought this article wil have substance bt none.
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Feb 9, 2011

TUSEA

IN Jesus name please my President dont mock God sspirit next time you speak .ANC CARD is not the blood of the son of man who died for our sins ti inheritance Gods kingdoms.Dont make God punish us.
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Feb 9, 2011

Ayobas

1. I hope he will address the potholes issues, esp those behind Gatholo flats.
2. Government employees' 1% pay progression was never implemented last year, we still need that 1%
3. Decent jobs
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Feb 9, 2011

IceQueen

i sure will be there, live, inperson, mingling and rubbing shoulders with them
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Feb 9, 2011

Sharpino

Nothing to say pls acknowledge the present of Former Pres Mbeki with respect it deserve.
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Feb 9, 2011

Chillis

Yoh Zuma, the reporters are your case "mshini wam", better start practising uyekele ukuzihlaza la. La bafazi abaning bayaku bayiziza madala! Good luck, oh en breath in, out, in, out . . . .
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Feb 9, 2011

QueenB

@Ayoba i sooo wish he can address the potholes issue hey its, more important the Unemployment issue, 24% is high percentage so zuma whts happening...The number of unemployed persons decreased by 259 000 jobs, while discouraged work seekers increased by 117 000.
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