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• What NOT to do when drinking

To see what 2011 had in store for him, Guluva did what he seldom does - he checked out the horoscopes. His star sign had this to say, in part, about his prospects in the New Year: "You will be a social butterfly. This year is about expanding your world with new ideas, friends and relationships."

Well and good, but the thought of Guluva rubbing shoulders with so-called celebrities such as Khanyi Mbau and Theuns Crous, sharing sushi with ex-convict and self-made millionaire Kenny Kunene, networking with Khulubuse Zuma and chewing the fat with Prosper Mkwaiwa and DJ Sbu really scares the hell out of him. Can someone please fast-forward to 2012?

Like father, like daughter

Guluva has deep distrust for statistics because anyone can easily manipulate them to suit their own desired outcomes.

But when he read somewhere that between 25 percent and 30 percent of drunk drivers who were busted by police during the festive season were young women, he had to sit up and take notice.

If these statistics were true, he reasoned, it meant that of the 1 050 motorists who were nabbed for drunk driving in one week alone, between 262 and 315 of them were women.

This reminded Guluva of a bumper sticker he once saw on a Soweto minibus taxi many years ago: "Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers; now they drink like their fathers."

Return of the intellects

At one stage Guluva was made to believe that the country found itself in the mess it was presently in because of intellectuals whose lofty ideas were said to be at variance with the mood, aspirations and needs of the people on the ground.

This variance, real or imagined, was largely the reason the Tobacco Pipe Smoking Intellectual was unceremoniously hounded out of office and replaced by the Machine Gun Man, the smiling, singing and dancing president; a man of the people.

"He thinks he's too clever for all of us he won't engage us," the Woodwork Boy, at one stage the Machine Gun Man's number one imbongi, said of the Tobacco Pipe Smoking Intellectual during a private conversation with United States embassy officials before the Polokwane coup in 2007, according to Wikileaks.

Just when Guluva thought the intellectuals were history and the country's future was now in the hands of ordinary folk, the Machine Gun Man announces that he wants the country's black economic empowerment (BEE) policy to be reviewed.

Guess who he is going to invite to "debate and define" it?

It is "the intellectual community", the same crowd that "debated and defined" the current BEE policy that put us where we are now.

OFFSIDE: Despite overwhelming evidence that Shrien Dewani has a case to answer in connection with the murder of his wife Anni during their honeymoon in Cape Town two months ago, his out-of-sorts publicist, one Max Clifford, continues to be out of touch with reality.

Commenting on a letter written by Anni's friends calling on his client to return to Mzansi to clear his name, Clifford said it was highly likely that the missive was authored by members of the SA Police Service. Even he can't believe that.

Email Guluva on: thatha.guluva@gmail.com.

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Fri May 24 19:06:25 SAST 2013 ::

Jan 5, 2011

Catty88

That is so true.Ladies can drink but don't over do it.There is a difference between drinking and getting drunk.
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Jan 5, 2011

Q'za

This is not true. Girls nowadays drink more than their fathers.

@Catty88 - That's my point exactly. They get drunk, period. At least their fathers always manage to come home. What about them? Some don't even know where they slept.
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Jan 5, 2011

tamino

hahhahha what a disgrace
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Jan 5, 2011

LawAbidingCitizen

Catty88

I agree with you there...

Those women were brave and stupid, there were cops everywhere this past festive season.I got stopped a couple of times
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Jan 5, 2011

Vuvu7

Ya they can drink and when they drink the get too loose.
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Jan 5, 2011

Harenyobaneng

Ladies should not be drinking period,Drinking even in small amounts, affects women differently than men.Women need will power to close their legs when under the influence,meaning drinking commited women are bound to be screwed by any stranger if the guys tongue is sharp enough.....does it ring any bells ladies..
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Jan 5, 2011

Catty88

@LawAbidingCitizen and @'za i drink and i know my limit and when i feel like its getting the best of me i go to the bar man and ask him for a jug with water until am better.Someone people don't know when to stop its like the club must run out of alcohol before they stop.Its even worst when its a woman.
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Jan 5, 2011

tamino

catty, if there were ladies like you... but unfortunately not...
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Jan 5, 2011

qalingo

so what i bought it with my money its none of anybody's business if i end up being nyobat by a pig while drunk. better mind your own business
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Jan 5, 2011

Xoske

@ Catty88 wow...
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