IT WILL be Christmas in a few days time and Guluva would, out of the goodness of his heart and in line with the spirit of goodwill, like to play Father Christmas and dish out some presents to deserving men and women who make Mzansi go round.

First in line are our overworked and overweight men and women in blue who, under the flamboyant Super Cowboy do their damndest under difficult circumstances to protect us from harm and evil.

Guluva believes, however, that the huffing and puffing policemen and women can do with a bit of exercise. It was for this reason that he felt they should go back to basics by agreeing to a 12-month contract with one of the leading gyms in the country.

These policemen and women - who have the permission of the Super Cowboy to "shoot to kill" when confronted with dangerous situations - will discover, to their amazement, that it is much quicker to reach for your gun when you are fully fit than when your body is full of fat.

Guluva and his cohorts will be in Cape Town on Christmas Eve to erect wall-less toilets on the lawns of Helen Zille's and Cape Town Mayor Dan Plato's luxury homes. Given the amount of food that is going to be consumed at these two homes on Christmas Day, the Makhaza-style toilets will definitely come in handy for these two politicians. The end result of conspicuous consumption will be there for everyone to see.

For our energetic Sport and Recreation Minister, Fikile Mbalula, Guluva could not think of a better present than a Kaizer Chiefs jersey with "MBALULA 2" emblazoned at the back in recognition of his enthusiastic and undisguised support for the team. He will be given the jersey provided he keeps his eyes on the ball and does not score own goals, or think that being Sport and Recreation Minister is the same thing as being Kaizer Chiefs' No 2 fan.

Guluva believes the most fitting Christmas present one could give to Mzansi's bitchy Queen of Bling, Khanyi Mbau, is a one-way plane ticket to exotic Phuket Island.

This is where the serial attention seeker and other so-called celebrities spent the past couple of weeks shooting a reality TV show to be aired on e.tv next February. In her absence from Mzansi the sky did not cave in and life did not come to a standstill. In fact, it was a much better and quieter place to live in.

For Cosatu general secretary Zwelinzima Vavi, what better Christmas present to give him than a year's supply of sushi? This, Guluva believes, will be enough to keep the trade union federation's boss quiet every time self-made millionaire Kenny Kunene and fellow travellers decide to throw their sushi-themed parties at the tycoon's exclusive Sandton joint.

Defence Minister Lindiwe Sisulu will agree with Guluva that the most appropriate present for her this Christmas would be to enrol for an anger management course.

The daughter of the late struggle veteran Walter Sisulu had been in a fighting mood of late. If she was not on the poorly paid soldiers' case, she was roasting members of the Godzille-De Lille Connection in Parliament. Even members of the portfolio committee on defence did not escape her venomous attacks.

These anger management courses do work; just look at the Woodwork Boy now.

As for the Woodwork Boy, there won't be a present for him this Christmas. Guluva hopes he won't get overly tjatjarag now.

Email Guluva on: thatha.guluva@gmail.com