GIVING a newborn child a name is one of the most beautiful things ever. A lot of things are considered when undertaking such a task.

These range from ancestral and cultural imperatives, family history, the weather and day of the week to socioeconomic conditions prevailing at the time, the family's own economic situation, poetry and even politics.

Some parents even try to be sophisticated by giving their newborn babies nice-sounding but unheard of names, so that their offspring will always stand out whenever their names are called.

Naming a child is not a spur of the moment thing, as it sometimes seems. It's often a well-researched and well-considered decision. Many would-be parents spend weeks or even months on end before the baby is born debating on what name to give it, - and why.

No malice is ever intended as relatives always want what is best for the child.

But the unfortunate part of it is that the child, who has to live with the name - whether good or bad - for the rest of his or her life, has absolutely no say in the matter.

Guluva knows someone called Phillip who had always wished his family to be blessed with a baby boy. Phillip also apparently wished that if it happened the boy's name should rhyme with his. So when his wish was realised after three attempts, he called his heir Phyllis.

Years later, when Phyllis applied for an identity document and the Department of Home Affairs classified him as a female, he went ballistic, calling the officials incompetent, lazy and stupid.

Some parents play it safe by giving their children unsophisticated names such as Jackson, George or Freddy - or going the indigenous route. Others, however, prefer to be a bit adventurous, so adventurous that they even go overboard.

You only have to go through matric results published in the country's major newspapers every year to see how adventurous or creative some parents can be.

A couple of days ago Guluva had a sneak preview of the type of name we can expect to see in this year's matric results when he took a peep at a mark sheet of one of his teacher friends.

Names such as Creation Mathebula, Human Dlamini, Logarithms Ngubeni and Clarion Hlungwani cropped up.

But the one that really took the cake for Guluva was, believe it or not, Ablution.

Guluva kids you not, the name is in the poor child's identity document and he is proud of it.

Man with no surname

Still on the subject of names, veteran Talk Radio 702 show host John Robbie gets irritated every time a caller to his show refers to him as Robbie.

"John is my name," he tells them.

Who do you blame, Robbie, eh, John?

In Mzansi and other parts of the globe everyone knows that Robbie is short for Robert, a first name.

Even Guluva did not know that Robbie was a surname until you came along.

This basically means that you, John Robbie, don't have a surname.

ONSIDE: Ain't Seen Nothing Yet's spin doctor-in-chief, Jackson Mthembu, needs a pat on the back for scolding Northern Cape members of the party's kindergarten wing for calling National Prosecutions Authority boss Menzi Simelane a "rented dog" at the bail hearing of the organisation's Northern Cape chairman, John Block, on Tuesday.

Simelane is certainly not without blemish, but he must be allowed to do his job without fear, favour or interference from anyone.

Email Guluva on: thatha.guluva@gmail.com.