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A shameful way to curry favour

GULUVA had a rare opportunity the other day to watch taxi driver-turned-mining tycoon Khulubuse Zuma clambering into his sleek, top-of-the-range Mercedes-Benz SLS63 AMG Gullwing.

Watching this awesome piece of German engineering just standing there was delightful in itself. But looking at the top shayela trying to get into it was not a pretty sight at all. It was like seeing an over-fed elephant trying to squeeze into an ant hole. It was as clumsy as it was grotesque.

You see, the newly empowered chairperson of Aurora Empowerment Systems and nephew of the powerful Machine Gun Man is not your average-sized man. He seems to be growing bigger and bigger by the day.

There are two plausible reasons for this: firstly, he has to fit into, if you like, his newly acquired status as a fat cat; secondly he has to live up to his name, Khulubuse, which in isiZulu, his mother tongue, means "grow bigger so you can rule".

It's a pity that by so doing he is outgrowing even some of his most prized assets. The man is so enormous that he, like Superman, can grab his favourite sports car in one hand and toss it into the Indian Ocean from his immaculate and plush Durban home without any effort.

That he fits into this tiny and lovely toy is a mystery. The fact that he has not suffocated in this sports car ever since he bought it must be attributed to its highly sophisticated air-conditioning system and unmatched engineering.

Why the younger Zuma is putting himself under such a torturous situation is beyond belief. Instead of enjoying the fruits of his success, he has reduced himself to an object of pity.

Guluva would like to offer him some brotherly advice to salvage his image: next time you decide to add to your expensive, 19-vehicle fleet, please consider a bus. You will find it roomy and spacious even for your large frame. You'll also discover, to your amazement, that it is able to do what all your other vehicles have been designed to - take you from point A to point B.

Mufamadi blows it

Sydney Mufamadi, a close confidant of the defeated Tobacco Pipe Smoking Intellectual, fell out of favour with the Machine Gun Man after campaigning vigorously against him during the bruising battle for Ain't Seen Nothing Yet's presidency in Polokwane in 2007.

So, when the former minister of provincial affairs and local government was quoted in this newspaper last week praising the Machine Gun Man's policies, Guluva and his pals thought he had repented and was now clawing his way back to the trough.

But the man blew it a few days later when he denied ever saying Finance Minister Pravin Gordhan's mini-budget speech was proof that the Machine Gun Man's administration was serious about corruption.

He will never ever smell the benefits of power again.

ONSIDE: The Machine Gun Man used his firearm to good effect when he fired seven incompetent ministers and redeployed two others. He displayed great courage by showing them the door, especially in this highly combustible political environment. But he also deftly used the opportunity to pay outstanding political debts.

OFFSIDE: Government spokesman Themba Maseko's decision not to allow the media to ask questions soon after the president had announced the cabinet reshuffle on Sunday evening was totally uncalled for. Even the Machine Gun Man was visibly surprised at this diabolical decision. Was Maseko trying to curry favour by shielding the president?

Email Guluva on: thatha.guluva@gmail.com

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