YOU have to give it to China and its people. When that country does something, it goes to extremes. The Great Wall of China, for example, has no match.

The 1995 Beijing Women's Conference is still used as a benchmark.

The Tiananmen Square massacre still rates as one of the worst examples of human rights abuse.

When China floods your country with fong kong products, it instantly becomes an economic wasteland, I tell you my china.

And when the Chinese try to speak your language they mutilate it to an extent that you won't want to have anything to do with.

Chinglish, the Chinese version of the Queen's language, is a case in point.

Even the Seffrican Inglish - the version spoken widely by Guluva, the Machine Gun Man, Police Commissioner General Bheki "Super Cowboy" Cele and others - is far better by comparison.

However, Chinglish is as hilarious as it is entertaining. Guluva is told that even the Queen Mother sometimes cannot help but chuckle every time she hears it.

Take, for example, the following notice in the foyer of a Beijing building: "Building asks a smoked visitor in the outside smoking section that you cannot smoke in." What on earth does this mean?

If that is not confusing enough, how about this one on the building next door: "Please Push Out for Exist"?

Equally entertaining is this warning on a product in one of Shanghai's shops: "This is not a toy and should be kept away from children made in China"?

However, the billboard that welcomes visitors to that great country really takes the cake. It reads: "Welcome for Coming."

What is this, a brothel?

Fat cat's small change

Deputy Police Minister Fikile Mbalula did not struggle to be poor. And it shows.

Though he has been in this job for less than two years, Mbalula has already metamorphosed into a fat cat. His tummy is bulging at such a frightening rate that it will one day spill its contents on to the floor.

What's more, he has money for Africa. After gate-crashing a fund-raising birthday party last week, Mbalula, with the Woodwork Boy in tow, pledged to donate R20000 to a bursary fund, remarking that the amount was "nothing but small change".

Good for him. Try telling that to the electorate.

But what's small change for Mbalula is a month's salary for his friend, the Woodwork Boy. At least that's what he told us he earned from the kindergarten. Surprisingly, he too, pledged R20000 at the party.

Don't be surprised when the Woodwork Boy knocks on your door with a begging bowl in his hand this month.

ONSIDE: Major Catherine Labuschagne, Mzansi's only woman fighter pilot, gave us something to smile about when she became the first woman in the world to fly the Gripen fighter jet solo. You go, girl.

OFFSIDE: The Machine Gun Man was understandably exhausted after his organisation's national general council jamboree. But did he have to "take time off" so suddenly, virtually leaving the country on auto-pilot? Did the "time off" have to coincide with the explosive Sadtu congress, where he was billed to speak, and where his lieutenants were later booed and jeered off stage?

But, as they say, you can run but you can't hide.

• E-mail Guluva on: thatha.guluva@gmail.com