NO SOONER had Guluva's first offering seen the light of day in this family newspaper than the predators started laying into him, calling him all sorts of names.

Some people - suspiciously from the northeastern corner of our country - even labelled him nguluve, apparently because they, for reasons best known to themselves, cannot pronounce the name Guluva.

Nguluve is a xiTsonga word for pig, probably one of the most disparaged and despised animals on Earth; while guluva means rascal in isiZulu.

Now, you can accuse Guluva of all sorts of things under the sun, but a pig he is not. The xiTsonga-speaking people so loathe the animal that they even call a man who has lost his wife an nguluve. That tag also does not apply to Guluva since death has not intervened in his marital status.

By way of introduction Guluva was given this nickname by his soccer-loving father, who had hoped his young offspring would one day emulate his idol, yesteryear's dribbling soccer wizard and one of today's most astute business moguls, Kaizer "Chincha Guluva" Motaung, both on the soccer pitch and business field.

As fate would have it, that was not to be. Look where he is now, poor chap.

Unfinished product

Do you perhaps know why the pig is looked down on by the world's major religions and treated as a stepchild of the animal kingdom?

The story Guluva is about to relate is not contained in the Bible, neither is it in the Qu'ran, so he can't vouch for its authenticity or reliability. The story could even be blasphemous for all he knows.

But so be it! Word has it that it was the pig's tjatjarag behaviour during Genesis times that earned it the label of the world's unholiest and dirtiest animal.

The Almighty, it is said, was putting the finishing touches on his latest work of art - the pig - when He was distracted for a few moments.

The pig looked at itself in the mirror and was proud of what it saw, thought the Almighty had completed His work. So it excitedly ran off to join the other animals, unaware that it had left its private package behind.

On realising that His latest piece of creative art had prematurely left the production line, the Almighty, so the story goes, was left with no option but to hurl its private package at it.

The pig was in full flight at the time and the private package landed in the not-so-private parts of its body.

That's probably why the pig looks like an unfinished product today.

Premier under construction

Would-be service providers for Limpopo Premier Cassel Mathale's office were tearing their hair out in frustration earlier this week after their attempts to access and download the vendor registration forms from the provincial government's official website came to nought.

This was despite the fact that the office had communicated in newspaper adverts over the weekend that the forms could either be collected from the premier's office or downloaded from its website.

Clicking on the item "premier's page" on the website's home page also failed to yield the desired results. All that popped up were the words: "Under construction".

Now, Guluva wonders, what or who is under construction - the "premier's page" or the premier?

With everyone these days fighting everyone and everyone jostling for position in the ranks of the chaotic Ain't Seen Nothing Yet - the province's and country's ruling party - anything is possible.

E-mail Guluva: thatha.guluva@gmail.com