Fly on the wall as great pals touch base
The Tobacco Pipe Smoking Intellectual and the Machine Gun Man touch base at an exclusive restaurant in a trendy Pretoria suburb for the first time since the Polokwane power grab.
Despite their bruising political fight that culminated in the toppling of the Tobacco Pipe Smoking Intellectual, the two remain great pals.
They perch themselves around a table in a dimly-lit corner of the restaurant for a casual evening chat. Guluva was the fly on the wall.
Tobacco Pipe Smoking Intellectual (TPSI): I see you have aged 10 years since you took over.
Machine Gun Man (MGM): I had hoped you wouldn't notice. If it weren't for my chiskop, you would be seeing a couple of grey hairs as we speak.
Look, I have done everything you yourself wouldn't do. I've gone for a public HIV test ... I don't quote dead poets in my speeches . I have visited informal settlements . I've even played football. You name it; I've done it. Unlike you, I do not take unilateral decisions. But when I involve everyone they say I'm not decisive. What is a man to do?
TPSI: But you really laid into your detractors at the NGC last week.
MGM: Yes. I don't know whether you noticed; I even broke with my own tradition by quoting Shakespeare. I agree; I had to stamp my authority. But, to be honest, I'm still shaking in my boots for taking such a tough stance.
TPSI: It must hurt for the media to say the Guptas are the new Shaiks in your life.
MGM: Those people shocked me when they appointed my daughter, Duduzile, to the board of directors of their computer business. My baby has absolutely no clue about the computer business. Now my son Duduzane is involved in the controversial multi-billion ArcelorMittal deal with them. These things are not helping my situation.
TPSI: I meant to ask you, why did you call me a dead snake after recalling me in 2008 and why did you get hot under the collar when the Woodwork Boy said you were worse than me?
MGM: Ha!! Ha!! Ha!! My apologies, comrade. But to say "don't hit a snake when it's already dead" is not as bad as it sounds when you say it in isiZulu. It's the English translation that's a bit problematic. As for the Woodwork Boy, he is just plain silly.
It's getting late now, I need to go and prepare my speech for tomorrow. But I need to ask you a favour: would you please lie low for a while? Your appearing on SABC-TV and public lecture circuits from time to time tends to be problematic.
TPSI: There's no need to feel threatened by a mere mortal like me.
MGM: Fair enough, but are you still a member of the ANC, or have you joined Cope? Just be honest with me.
TPSI: (Looking agitated) Why do you ask?
MGM: Because I remember hearing you, after casting your vote in the 2009 general elections, telling reporters that only God knew which party was going to win the polls. Were you serious?
TPSI: Uhmmm. Don't you have a speech to go and write, my friend?
E-mail Guluva on: email@example.com